Love: When signs are ignored
Love: When signs are ignored: "June 30. 25 days of examining my life is both rewarding and a pain. I am doing better now, but she still remains in my stubborn heart. I am ..."
When signs are ignored
June 30. 25 days of examining my life is both rewarding and a pain. I am doing better now, but she still remains in my stubborn heart. I am thinking of ways to make up for my mistakes.
I have seen my ex-girlfriend’s kindness in the days when love had us in her cradle. I loved how she gave to the poor. My heart was warmed when she always told me of things she wanted to do for the poor. I also loved the way she valued her family and friends. How she defended them was inspiring. Her gentleness and kindness lingers in my heart and mind. All these things drew her closer to me on those days when love was ours to wield. Unfortunately, there were signs I ignored in the process of our love.
The signs ignored
There were days when I asked her if she loves me but would not answer. She always found a way to throw a question back instead of answering with a simple and sweet yes. She asked me often, “What do you think?” This was the first sign I ignored. After every fight, it never ceased to amaze me how she almost always is willing to let go of me. It was as if everything we shared meant no value to her. She always said that she would just forget me. I guess she had so many baggage and unfinished business left unresolved. That’s why? It was burden enough for me to have pursued her knowing that she wasn’t fully over from her 6 year relationship, but her deception made it harder to distinguish what was true in our relationship. Another sign I ignored.
I never lied to my ex-girlfriend about my marital status. From the get go, when we first sat down to chat and eat lunch, I shared with her the stories about my failed marriage. But she just had to lie to her parents and family about my marital status, she said that she was just trying to protect my image knowing that she might be pulled away from me if her family knew about it. But if love meant defending the people you value most, she just did the opposite by lying to her family about me. A sign ignored again.
Facebook, now-a-days, can I either be a blessing or a curse. When we were still connected in facebook as friends, I have always been proud of her being my girlfriend. I have told her how much I love her through private messages and posts in FB, but I am shocked how easy it was for her to delete me when I posted our pictures. She told me that she didn’t want her friend to see her with someone else. My ex-girlfriend reiterated that I understood the situation that her best friend in Australia might get mad if she learns that she hasn’t informed her about me. Now the way I see it, it wasn’t just that she was keeping me from her best friend but there was another flame waiting for her in Australia. Another sign ignored shall we say.
When your girlfriend starts calling you names and curses you without restraint or holding back, you might want to re-evaluate your relationship. When your lover calls you worthless and ugly, without really looking your true value and worth, love between the both of you should be questioned. How are we to know a person’s true beauty? When most the world is too absorbed at looking at the physical attributes of a person. One of the signs ignored.
Text messaging has made communication easier for most couple now-a-days, but when your lover doesn’t even send you a simple message when you are already worrying about him or her. Start to question. My ex-girlfriend did just that. There were days when I am worried and always told her how communication is very important to me, but still she would go on days when we are apart that she would not text me- not even a simple hello. It simply makes you wonder and worry all the more. This is a sign you should never ignore. Remember communication is a key ingredient in all relationships no matter how private a person your lover is.
But the worst sign to ignore of all is when your partner calls you “son of a bitch” and wishes for your death. When your roads lead to this end, perhaps you should gently part ways with your lover. This relationship you have simply is not healthy. This was the last sign I ignored. My love or perhaps obsession blinded me.
But no matter how we regret and reminisce the moments we have shared with a love one, the truth remains that we hold the key towards the success or failure of our relationships. We hold the key to our emancipation from the realities that oppress us. In the end like all the other post I have written so far, I say once again, “Love is our decision.” WE DECIDE.
Because of Anger and Hate
22 days. I am pass the half way mark. I don’t know if I am winning this battle against myself or if am losing. I am just lost in this sea of sorrows, but I am glad to re-evaluate my life. I love her still! I don’t know why.
I have been paying much attention to twitter lately, but yesterday I just realized that the best friend of my ex-girlfriend tweeted me on June 9 of this year. Here is what she said, I quote without a changing her grammar and spelling, “hey dude u don't know me but hell yeah I know you're a fcken douchebag!” It is a very inquisitive and spiteful way to open a conversation with someone you don’t know, right?!
When I read this message, I really did not how to react. The hurt I have felt for the past weeks has reduced me to being numb and impervious to such kind of comments. How can I not be numb? See during our (meaning my ex-girlfriend and I) last exchange of text message, she conveyed her birthday wish quite clearly- my death. I guess this is the price of exposing the truth. Remember Hate is easy.
I myself am not so blessed with patience and tolerance for the lies she thrown my way. I was not so gentle in dealing with truth. In my small way getting even was what I aimed for, which I got and regret at the same time. Why? Because by getting back, which was not close to getting even, I lost her forever. Anger led me to lose sight of love. I hurt the only thing I valued most by exposing her lies. To whom? And How? I spoke to her supposedly ex-fiancé about everything she had done. How she used him and me? See their relationship did not end when I entered her life. Just when I thought that I was competing with her ex-boyfriend, whom she loved for 6 years and was in the USA, she did not reveal that I was also competing with her fiancé that lives in Australia. Now, I realize how many spare tires she has for her relationship. Fortunately, I was one of those spare tires. Easily left. Conveniently discarded.
Now looking back, I wish I just held my piece at that time and not let anger take a hold of me. In God’s time, all truths behind every lie will be revealed. I just lacked the patience to wait, which made me lose her all the more. Moreover, the things we do and say under such circumstances may uplift or demean our sense of morals and our character. It is also reflective of our breeding and education. Therefore, with how I reacted to my ex-girlfriend’s lies, I lowered my own values and shamed myself for losing control. It was as if I did not have any breeding and education, even if we say that we all do foolish things out of love.
Reflecting now on what my ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s message, I looked up the meaning of douchebag over the internet. I found two meanings of which through Urban Dictionary that were interesting. 1. Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached f@$%*r or motherf@$%*r. 2. An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears. It was quite a handful of unpleasant words to depict the meaning of this word. To be exact.
Now, I write not to refute my ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s claim of what kind of person I am. I feel she is right, because I demeaned my own upbringing in the process. Plus, I already made that mistake once of trying to bite back. I am not about to engage her best friend in a senseless debate. But I was surprised, with how I and her best friend reacted to our tweets. It wasn’t as feisty as I had expected it to be, but it was very frank and cold. Our conversation left me only three important things, which are stated below:
1. We were all victims by our lies and selfishness. Whatever we do in life has a way of catching up with us.
3. If you really love someone, no matter the hurt they deal you; you shouldn’t even consider getting even or taking vengeance.
The calm demeanor I had during that conversation was a gift. I guess I am gradually regaining my patience. On the other hand, her best friend was able to release her disappointment and a little of the disgust she feels towards me. As I can best describe it. But evaluating both parties’ actions, I believe we are great examples of people who lower their morals and standards due to emotions. Why? Assume that I really am douchebag and she a fine and educated woman, why then would she take time to send a fowl message to a douchebag knowing that he is one. Or call someone a moron, knowing that he is one. Wouldn’t that kind of action leave you in the gray? On my behalf, why did I even react to her message knowing that conversation and our arguments will be coming from opposing poles. This reaction somehow merits me the title of douche bag, I suppose. How would you consider our actions then?
YOU DECIDE.
For reference to the meanings of the word douchebag I used in this article, click on this link:
Love: We are all victims
Love: We are all victims: "Today, I exchanged tweets with my ex-girlfriend’s best friend, who did curse me last June 9. Her message then was quite a distraction, since..."
We are all victims
Today, I exchanged tweets with my ex-girlfriend’s best friend, who did curse me last June 9. Her message then was quite a distraction, since she called me names and cursed me. My conversation with her today in Twitter was refreshing, because she was calm in explaining herself. I guess her initial message conveyed her emotion. She was very straight-forward during our verbal exchange, which I really appreciated.
There was one thing she said in the middle of our conversation that really struck me. She said we are all victims. We all are victims of our actions and decisions. When my ex-girlfriend decided to lie to me, she did not consider how I would feel and how my family and friends would feel. When I learned about her lies and decided to react, I never saw how it will affect her family and friends as well. We were both blinded by our indecision and selfishness that love did not have enough space to grow well between us. We restricted our own understanding of what love is.
I also recall what her friend told me over twitter. What’s done is done. She hit the nail hard on the head again when she said this. She marked the exclamation to what I had with her friend. It is the end of the line. If only anger doesn’t consume us during times when we are in pain and suffering, then maybe the world will be a better place to live in. Remember whatever good or bad things we do in life has a way of catching up with us.
We can decide to laugh the lies off, but we can also do otherwise. We can choose life to put us down, but can also choose to fight back. Thus, we choose to be victims.
DECIDE.
Love: A View on Courage
Love: A View on Courage: "19 days. I am almost half way my 40 day journey of searching from within myself to find true treasure- love and passion. I just posted yest..."
A View on Courage
19 days. I am almost half way my 40 day journey of searching from within myself to find true treasure- love and passion.
I just posted yesterday how we should take courage when in love or when love leaves us instead. But while I was thinking of something worthwhile to write about, I reminisced on this very inspiring story that has always lead me to stand up after every fall. It was the story of a girl who had a mountain of courage to pursue something she was so passionate about.
Have you ever dared to dream and prove that anything you put your mind into is possible? If you have, then wait until you here this girl's story. Her name is Ashley Cowan. Ashley proves that anything is possible if you put your heart into something every day of her life.
This is how her story starts and how it inspires me.
It was back in 2001, which was one of the most trying times of my life if we recall my previous post, when I heard of her story. I can still remember I was watching television through one of the local channels in the Philippines where her story was featured.
On September 7, the 15-year-old Canadian girl (Ashley Cowan) swam across the 20-kilometre wide Lake Eerie to become the youngest woman to ever cross it. Swimming across the lake took Ashley a little over 15 hours to finish. Even her coach, Vickie Keith, and their team who supported Ashley through this challenge expressed how proud they were of her to have accomplished such feat. They even said that there were times Ashley wanted to stop, but they added that she toughed it out. But what is most remarkable about this young woman was her big heart. Why? Let me tell you one very important thing about her. Ashley Cowan is a quadruple amputee because of Meningitis that she contracted when she was 15 months old. Let me point it out again, she had no arms and legs. And yet she accomplished what seemed impossible for most of us.
To this day, her life story continues to be an inspiration. When I think of her story it makes me feel that nothing is impossible, especially when you put your heart and mind to doing something. She is an epitome of great courage.
I wonder if we can have the same big heart and concentrate on the things that matter to us. I wonder what kind of amazing things we can offer the world. How the world can be such a wonderful place because of it? Maybe we can also have a big heart full of courage? If we desire and choose to wield it.
DECIDE TO BE COURAGEOUS.
See feature and full stories about her by clicking on the links below:
Love: Hate is Easy, Love takes Courage.
Love: Hate is Easy, Love takes Courage.: "18 days of thinking. 18 days of re-evaluating my life. Finding things that matter. Learning from lessons I gained along the way. But one thi..."
Hate is Easy, Love takes Courage.
18 days of thinking. 18 days of re-evaluating my life. Finding things that matter. Learning from lessons I gained along the way. But one thing still remains, my love for the person I recently lost to another man. I love you still!
I never really explained why I placed the picture banner that says “Hate is easy, Love takes courage...” in my blog titles background. So let me take time to explain why.
Through the course of losing my ex-girlfriend to this date, I have been flooded with multitudes of kinds of emotions. It chokes me sometimes to the point of drowning and completely losing myself. One of the emotions that flooded my entire being, which I detest so much, was anger. It streamed out of the hate I felt for her, who left me to dry and live on my own now. It was primarily due to the lies she spat on my face while we were still together. Along the way to recovery, I realized on one of the days when I was thinking of everything that has happened; how easy it was for me to retaliate and hate her even if I still felt something for her. Evil simply makes it easy to take vengeance. To keep the love and restrain the ill feelings that rouse me to take revenge was what I felt would be better. I don’t want to sound like a masochist. Enjoying the pain or suffering dealt by my lost was not my cup of tea, because how can you take vengeance on someone you once love so easily. Vengeance was not mine to deal. A higher being wields it, but not me. I guess there is no fair explanation why vengeance can’t easily be done, unless you are overcome by evil. Love simply takes courage for those who hurt and got hurt.
I remember this line I usually quote from the movie “The Kingdom of Heaven”, which goes; “By what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man.” This may apply to all. Our decisions define us. Thus, I have decided to love her still but not take vengeance. Her love and God’s love will lead me to the shores of whoever life has in store for me to hold. At least, for this lifetime. My true love.
WE ALL DECIDE.
Love: Simplicity and Faith
Love: Simplicity and Faith: "17 days of painstaking search has passed. I still love her, but I know I have lost her. Earlier today, I was walking through the lawn i..."
Simplicity and Faith
17 days of painstaking search has passed. I still love her, but I know I have lost her.
Earlier today, I was walking through the lawn inside our yard when I saw a blue dragon fly passing by. It made me smile. It brought about childhood memories that I cherished. Those were days when the cares of the world did not bother me. It was a care-free life. In a certain degree of sense, it is a worry free life.
Earlier today, I was walking through the lawn inside our yard when I saw a blue dragon fly passing by. It made me smile. It brought about childhood memories that I cherished. Those were days when the cares of the world did not bother me. It was a care-free life. In a certain degree of sense, it is a worry free life.
Hakuna matata!
Looking back, during one of the gatherings I attended together with my high school friends, I can still remember telling them that it would be great to be stuck in those days when we were still kids. I told them that it would be fun since we did not have to bother about learning and going through the pains of falling in and out of love, of what failure entails, of the pains of heartbreak, the suffering of losing someone you love most and the works. As foolish as it sounds, I did wish for it. I made that wish when I lost my wife. Yes, I am saying that I was married before.
You must be wondering now how complicated my life must be. It is very complex. Mostly, I blame myself for the wrong choices that I have made in the past, which has led me to where I am today. But I guess most my blog viewers now that already. Although, something different hit my mind when I recall what I said. A new idea... or rather a refreshing idea hit my mind.
In one of the religious community sharing session that I had partaken in the past, I can clearly recall a lady who shared a thought about how we should live. She said we should live in a modest and simple way, so that we can give our excess to poor people. So they may also live. Refreshing isn’t it. Logical, but hard to swallow and digest. To be able to accept this reality entails simplicity amongst us. I had a hard time accepting it to be straight-forward. Our parents and the world, in a way, have taught us to dream. Often times, it dares us to create larger-than-life-kind-of-dreams. Like I did, then suddenly this thought. Live Simple, So Others May Simply Live.
To accept this thought was like fitting an entire ocean into a bucket, but I was wrong to think this. If you believe in God or any other supreme being, we need to realize that there are still things that our human minds can’t fathom. To understand it means we need to be gods ourselves. But there is an answer to this problem- FAITH. When we can’t control the things that turn everything about, it is faith that keeps us balanced. Faith leaves us the opportunity to submit everything to that one Supreme Being. When faith leaves you nothing but the choice of to be or not to be, then it is the time when we blindly trudge on without doubt and reluctance. It is a chance to TRUST.
We can all express our faith in little ways. I expressed mine when I lost my wife to her lover a couple of years back. Had I not kept some faith in me, I would probably be a junkie by now or worse- dead. It was painful, but I had to let go. Now, I have experienced another heartbreak in the hands of another person I hold dear. Two different women I trusted, but turned their backs on me for their lovers. A pragmatic person would probably think that there maybe something wrong me. They may have a point, but that is due for another post. If I had no notion of what faith is even in the slightest way, I would probably be sulking in the pain I am feeling and drowning myself with alcohol due to my last falling out. So, we need to try to be faithful and simple to know life and love better.
Maybe we have been living our lives in a fashion that does not please our God? Maybe we have been asking for the wrong things? Maybe we need to be a little more faithful?
It is amazing how see faith in kids. For Christians, we can see in the Bible how God instructs us to be like kids in accepting the kingdom of God. For practical individuals if you observe kids, you will realize how children obey their parents even without knowing their intentions. This is the faith I am talking about.
Maybe I am not so mistaken asking to be a kid forever after all? Maybe I have been longing and dreaming of the wrong things? Maybe I lacked faith and simplicity?
Simplicity and Faith are the two things I contemplated on today. Maybe by being simple and faithful, I can finally meet up with that one true love my heart awaits.
WE ALL DECIDE.
Love: How can you give something you don't have?
Love: How can you give something you don't have?: "The sixteenth day of looking into my life... I have been watching a couple films lately as a means to get by my day. Until a couple of days..."
How can you give something you don't have?
The sixteenth day of looking into my life...
I have been watching a couple films lately as a means to get by my day. Until a couple of days ago, I came across this movie that knocked sense into my head. The title of the movie is SuckerPunch.
SuckerPunch wasn’t really much of box-office hit if you were to ask me. Its special effects were a bit mediocre. The storyline was unique, but can be confusing. But what was good about it came with its message. The last few lines of the movie conveyed the message clearly, which struck me most. It was something worth looking into.
"And finally this question...
The mystery of whose story it would be...
Who draws the curtain?
Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance?
Who drives us mad lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible?
Who is it... that tells all these things?
Who honors those we love for the very life we live?
Who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time things that will never die?
Who teaches us what is real?
And how to laugh at lies?
Who decides why we live and what will die to defend?
Who chains us?
And who holds the key that will set us free?
It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.
(SuckerPunch)
Even though the movie was surreal, these last few lines gave much meaning to me. And even if the events that transpired in the movie can only happen in our subconscious, the significance of its message pierces the heart as it did mine.
Deep into my heart, it has now sank.
Most of the things that have gone wrong for the past year are caused by my own doing. I should have placed some premium in improving myself during the time I spent with her. I should paid attention to the signs. She moved out of my life, because of her dissatisfaction with me. She did not like most of what I am capable of and my decisions, which amounted to my nothingness and emptiness. I should have loved myself more. We can never give what we don't have. Remember. I was already lacking love for myself. This brings to mind something my friend told me. She exclaimed that I should have learned to love myself a little more.
To find the things that make me happy is now my main goal. To explore the boundaries of the things I am capable of doing. I dare now to dance like no one is watching. To laugh like no one hears. With boldness, I now face the future. I am facing it with much more courage than ever before. Unfazed. Stout. Free. I now stand. Because like the narrative I quoted above, you are the key to your own happiness.
I choose to live with love freely for I am my own key. And someday that one thing I so long for will be there right before my eyes without me noticing. It will be the love that will blanket me with love, gentleness, kindness and affection. Love will find us in time. It will find and save me.
FOR I HAVE DECIDED.
Love: If... But... Because... Despite of...
Love: If... But... Because... Despite of...: "'One is loved because one is loved . No reason is needed for loving .' This is a passage from the book entitled the Alchemist, written by P..."
If... But... Because... Despite of...
"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving." This is a passage from the book entitled the Alchemist, written by Paolo Coelho.
One of the things that make love exciting is that there are no exact reasons to how it persist or even come into being. Like one of my favourite authors exact in the passage I quoted above, there are no reasons to loving. It exists because it exists.
The biggest mistake I have made in loving my ex-girlfriend is that I named a few reasons why I needed and loved her. Being family oriented was one of the reasons I named when we were still together. Never did I realize that in love, all the subtle reasons we have in our hearts for pursuing any relationship naturally happens without us recognizing. Because in love, especially when we involve God in it, all good things dwell.
When we love with reason, it is as if we love people for one sole purpose. So when we fail to achieve it, we suddenly fall out of love and get disillusioned.
After one of our biggest fights, I can recall when I asked her, “Why does it seem that you are always ready to leave me whenever we fight?” I believe now she felt love for me that was based on reasoning. She had a love dedicated for me that was based on pity. I feel that she didn’t really learn to love me, but I know I can’t be the judge of what she felt. All I know is she did confirm with one of our common friend that she only learned to love me. She did not really like from the start of our relationship. How can love bloom in a field of reasons? Why would we let matters of the heart be tendered by the mind? And yet she did.
Thus, anyone who says they love you IF you can give your entirety to them does not really love you, because love is not self-seeking. How can someone give his/ her entirety when this love I speak of is meant to be shared amongst family, friends and even enemies. A person’s entirety only belongs to one supreme being- God. Whoever tells you that they love you BUT you have to surrender everything to them; is also mistaken about their notion of love. For love is not selfish. How can selfishness be called love? Why would you surrender everything to someone when you should never be considered like property? No one is anybody’s property. You owe no one anything, except God. Also, whoever exclaims they love you BECAUSE you are beautiful are in the wrong. For their notion of love is diminished by their own foolish ideals. How can they love when all they see is outward appearance? They must be in lust. Any reasons for love lead by an IF, a BUT and a BECAUSE are not really good foundations for loving. But when one says that he/ she loves you, despite of everything that you may have been... who you are... and who you will be; then that I will call love. When one loves everything about some for no explainable reason, when one accepts a person’s entirety despite of and when one seeks not to change the person they love, that is love in its purest and simplest form.
I wish we can all learn to love despite of our loved ones past, but I guess the beauty of life lies in the variation of our views towards love. As a final note, the beauty of this love I talk about still lies in the choice we make. Still you decide how you would love, but also learn to bear its consequences. Again, YOU DECIDE.
This is now the 12th day of my search. I am getting better in coping up with my situation and in healing myself even if I still feel something for my ex-girlfriend. Thank you God!
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love: Independence
Love: Indepedence: "Independence is the word I have been contemplating on for the past two days. For those who have been viewing my blog, you must be thinking ..."
Indepedence
June 12 has passed. For most Filipinos, this day means our independence from our countries colonizers. The Spaniards. The Americans. The Japanese. Who else? I guess that is beside the point.
This is now the 10th day of searching from within myself about the meaning of things, which are important to me and not. I am a bit tired, but excited in a certain degree of sense. It sounds like an irony. It’s a yin-yang emotion that I feel inside of me. I can’t really explain it. I hope I really find the day when I can tell myself that everything is behind me. I yearn for that day when I can really smile and laugh again. I miss both of it.
Two days ago, I was in the middle of doing something for my brother. It was something really important to him. When all of a sudden, he blurts out in a questioning manner- “Why are you so absent minded”. He even asked me, “Why don’t you try to focus?” It was enlightening and bewildering at the same time. I knew he understands my predicament, but I felt he was being insensitive of my situation. I am not saying that he is, because he is God’s blessing to me. He has heard me out countless of times through this ordeal, but I guess he has reached his limit. That was when I realized, there is something more to what I am going through than just pain and suffering.
Dragging down the people who are supporting me is what I am really doing. I don’t mean for this to happen, but it is. See when we dwell in our pain and suffering, we selfishly see only our self which is in agony. We can’t see those who care for us. But if we dream to be stronger, we should surpass this hurdle to be able to understand that we are not alone. The world does not stop from turning if you fail or fall. You have to stand up and fight back. I am not saying you hurt the people who hurt you. But show them that you are strong, because God is with you. I guess when I realized this; I needed to take a break from writing. I felt that all I was writing about are selfish thoughts. I didn’t want my readers to say, “This man is very foolish and selfish.” Now, I really have to stand up.
I am writing what I feel now to alleviate the hurt that is left. Please forgive me for all the previous post that may have been selfish. I know I still love her, but like what one of my friends told me recently- I should be casting my sorrows, burdens and fears upon the Lord. I am trying hard to do this now. I am finding new meaning in things. Seeking for the things I am passionate about is one my primary goals.
In doing this, I pray to find real freedom from the pain and suffering. If I really find that day, then that will be my emancipation… my true independence.
Love: Seven
Love: Seven: "Seven. This is suppose to be one of the most significant numbers in the Bible. Remember God tells us to forgive 7 times 77 times and so on t..."
Seven
Seven. This is suppose to be one of the most significant numbers in the Bible. Remember God tells us to forgive 7 times 77 times and so on times. There is so much significance related to this number about God, which some people also consider as their lucky number.
But if it is such a number, why do I feel empty today. This is suppose to be the 7th day of reviewing my life. My mind, heart and soul feels empty. I pray almost every morning. As I ask for forgiveness, peace of mind and strength for myself, I still feel empty. I am not expecting for any extraordinary miracle to change my day. I am just blank as a page. How depressing?
I am still thinking of reasons why my day is like these. I guess I will just pray some more.
God thank you for this day even if i feel empty!
Sorry God also! Because I still love her. I don't know why. It just is.
But if it is such a number, why do I feel empty today. This is suppose to be the 7th day of reviewing my life. My mind, heart and soul feels empty. I pray almost every morning. As I ask for forgiveness, peace of mind and strength for myself, I still feel empty. I am not expecting for any extraordinary miracle to change my day. I am just blank as a page. How depressing?
I am still thinking of reasons why my day is like these. I guess I will just pray some more.
God thank you for this day even if i feel empty!
Sorry God also! Because I still love her. I don't know why. It just is.
Love: Why Love and Life is not fair?
Love: Why Love and Life is not fair?: "The sixth day of looking back and reviewing my life's twist and turns. For a couple of days now, I have been contemplating on my life. I th..."
Why Love and Life is not fair?
The sixth day of looking back and reviewing my life's twist and turns.
For a couple of days now, I have been contemplating on my life. I think I have gone as far as 10 years back to this one very important life-changing event in my life.
Back when I was in high school, I have always been known to be very outgoing, care-free and, at times, rowdy. I was also considered a bully back then, but I didn't really treat myself as one. I was just hot-headed and very temperamental. Adventurous was what you would consider me to be have we met back in those days. This kind of attitude towards life was how I went about my high school life, which persisted through college. It was fun. I viewed my old self as a cool person.
Fraternities (your so-called secret brotherhood) and vices were two of the things I regret to have engaged back in those days. As cool as I thought I was, these two things nearly ruined my life. Why so? The fraternity almost had me imprisoned and killed. The brotherhood made a lot of enemies for me that I didn't even know personally. Drugs (specifically marijuana), alcohol and cigarettes were just a few of the indulgences I abused back then. Had I not stopped using marijuana, I would probably be a junkie by now. Unfortunately, I considered all these as part of having a good time. My curiosity simply led me to all of these life-distorting entities.
For more than a month, when all our female school mates were turning 18, we would simply swig and gorge all the alcohol and junk food we can consume. We did this almost every day until we drop. It wasn't nice to wake up in somebody else home... or wake in the morning not remembering how you got home... or who changed your clothes before you went to bed. Moreover, some of us went a little further to explore. Being young also entailed the rage of hormones inside us. We learned to test our sexuality. Whew! But even if these things happened to us, we all laughed at it and felt awesome. We were young.
The curiosity peaked when my best friend and I had to try marijuana. We were with different crowds when we tried it, since we both did not want to be a bad influence to each other. But nonetheless, we became bad influences to ourselves. The unfortunate thing about this is that we mixed with the wrong people and crowd. Something our parents never even imagined nor prayed for us.
One thing we failed to recognize among ourselves during those days was that we all had our problems, which we immaturely faced. Some call the things we do as escape-goating as termed in psychology. We were deviants from the norm, but we felt cool. I had my issues that I thought I could be address by forgetting, which was aided by the alcohol and drugs. But it didn’t really help me. My ways and vices even distorted my view of love and relationships back then. And yet I wondered why most my relationships only lasted for months. It figures.
At the peak of substance abuse and wanton disregard for the true meaning of life and love, we were simply lost. We were selfish. I was more than selfish- I was trapped in me.
May 15, 2001 was the faithful day when all my foolishness and stupidity culminated. It was the feast day St. Isidore Labrador. He was the patron saint of our town. In provinces in the Philippines, feast days were a big deal. Being a nation compromised mostly of Catholics, it became a grandiose annual event. There will be singing contests, beauty pageants, mardi gras’, and the like.
On that day, there were simply a lot of people in the main thoroughfare of our town. It was a bit irritating, since I was still drunk. I came from a gimmick with my friends the night before the feast day of our town. I was so wasted that when I came home at about 7 o’clock in the morning- I did not even realize it was our patron saint's feast day. I abhorred the fact that my mom had to wake me up to buy something for her in the wet market when both my brothers were already awake. Unfortunate me, my second brother had his former girlfriend visit us at home that day. And my other brother was also busying himself with something. So like any trying-to-be good son would do, I fulfilled my mom’s errand. I bought the pack of Tang juice concentrate she asked for.
Mind you I went to the wet market straight from bed. At that time, I had that after waking look effect on me. I think I might have scared of a couple of people with my hairdo, which had no direction.
Coming back from the wet market was one of the most momentous days of my life. I came in the front door of our house, which is not usually open. Most of the time, we would take the back door when we come home. But that day was different; I went through the front door since I knew everyone was home. Plus, it was open.
I saw a stranger sitting by our couch. It was someone I did not know. My parents let the man in, since they thought he was a friend of mine. I politely greeted him, since I thought that he was my parent’s visitor. Little did I know that it was the start of my ordeal, a life-changing one.
The man gently stood up and asked me if he can talk to me. Being bewildered, I told that he can. He asked me if I can accompany him outside, so I followed. Right after we went out the gate, it all became a blur. There were men with guns who suddenly like leeches accompanied me. They were like body guards, but I never felt like a celebrity when they walked with me.
Suddenly, the man I first spoke with me radioed somebody using their walkie-talkie. At that point, my memory came flooding in. I recall my mom talking to me earlier that day. She told me that my best friend-Ryan called about a murder that happened in the vicinity of the university where I studied. One of the suspects name was Mark, unfortunately my name was spelled almost the same except mine ended with a “T”. It didn’t really matter.
If you have seen my face in any ABS-CBN news report in 2001 while a different name was being flashed, then you probably recognize me by now. I was nabbed by the National Bureau of Investigation (which is like the Federal Bureau of Investigation counter-part here in the Philippines) that day for suspicion of murder. Whoever was killed certainly had connections? To have the NBI pick me up was indeed a shock. They even hacked my dad with an M-16 Baby Armalite and a MP5 rifle when they tried to talk their way through the situation with the authorities. My dad tried to take me back, since the authorities had no arrest warrant. The only warrant they showed him was their badge. Poor me, I went with them without knowing what was going on. My senses only awakened when they hurt my dad. I sensed more than danger that day. I felt it was going to be my death.
I knew I was care-free, substance abusing, testosterone pumped and horny adolescent. I also acknowledge the fact that I was considered to be a bully. I was selfish and problematic. But never had I foreseen any of this to happen to me. I have had fights as a kid. One or two. I admit. But I had no records of any kind with the police, and then suddenly this came. Wow! It was like skipping all the other bad things that a person can do before becoming a killer.
They brought me to a secured place and beat me to a pulp. I have gone through several initiation rites, because of my fraternity and since I was an aspiring cadet of the Philippine Military Academy earlier in my life. But I have never experienced this kind of beating. It was as if I was being lynched. I had no way to protect myself, since my hands were bound with a plastic bracelet that served as my cuffs. I was literally a human punching bag. The NBI’s agents did it for a good 3 to 4 hours that continued later that day.
Through this trial, I don’t know why I did not lose consciousness. I can’t stand properly anymore. My body was already bruised. I was beaten. But I was still awake. Even nature’s call became a pain. They had to accompany me in fear that I might run. Who can run in such a condition? So I thought. They even brought me to the crime scene trying to make me confess to something I did not do. Now I realize why I did not lose consciousness and hope, I was praying the Rosary in my mind. I have the whole prayer memorized by virtue of my Dad’s discipline. It was my invincible armor. As they were torturing me, which was accompanied by the good and bad cop routine, I only thought of my life that was flashing right before my eyes. I really did believe I was going to die. I even expected that I will be electrocuted. While they were trying to make me confess, they were feeding me with bits and pieces of information about the crime. Only now do I realize, they were doing something unlawful. This ordeal went on and off for 13 hours, until I was released to the custody of my parents at around midnight at the NBI headquarters in Taft Avenue in Manila.
It was a crazy day. It was the first time I saw my Dad shed tears. My heart was crushed when I saw my Mom walk towards me- to hug me. I never felt the pain through the ordeal as much as when I saw my Mom cry. When I was released, I can still recall my Mom, Dad, my then girlfriend-My, Uncle Jun, Aunt Daisy and Aunt Myrna silently hugging me one after the other. They even fed me two burgers from Burger King. Those were the best burgers I ever chomped on my entire life. That day was also the first time I went through being processed like a criminal. What was worse is... They took my mug shots. I was being treated more than just a suspect. It was as if I did the senseless act of taking somebody else’s life. In my mind, the agents became like Judge Dredd. They were both judge and executioner, so much for our justice system.
The real perpetrators of the crime were fraternity brothers of mine. There were 3 of them. One of them had almost the same name as I, who was being protected by one of his uncles serving as a general in the Philippine National Police. The other was the nephew of an influential congressman of one of the districts of Manila. The other suspect was a former friend of mine, schoolmate and nephew of our former town mayor. They were all born from influential and rich families. But why did the authorities have to nab me? I am just a poor boy from the south. I asked God fervently. I guess I had it coming.
I can still remember to this date, when one of the agents instructed my Dad as I was about to be released that I can’t go out of the country.
The events of that day changed my life. It made me take life more seriously. It convinced me to count my blessings more. The ordeal allowed me to graduate with a bachelor’s degree from one of the most reputable universities in the Philippines. Lastly, it gave way to a better relationship with my parents and God. To date, I have never gone out of the country. I have criminal no record. Thanks to one of the perpetrators, who had a similar name as mine and who confessed and turned state witness. But most of all, thanks be to God!
With all these facts brought to light, do you think life is fair? If I were God and if He were to consider all the foolish and sinful things I did, do you think I deserve being saved? I am no one to precede what God has in store for each and every one of us. I am simply trying to point out that nothing is fair if you view life based only in your perspective. Because this life based on human standards is not fair. Count your blessings more. Maybe you will realize there is a God who knows what is fair?
You decide.
Love: LETTING GO IS GROWING UP.
Love: LETTING GO IS GROWING UP.: "This is the fifth day of my search in. I am learning a lot. It is like finding myself all over again. Enjoying the ideas and thoughts I once..."
LETTING GO IS GROWING UP.
This is the fifth day of my search in. I am learning a lot. It is like finding myself all over again. Enjoying the ideas and thoughts I once lost and now found is bliss.
"Letting go is growing up." This is the main point of the article my friend sent me. I have to be fair in approaching this point as much as possible. But since life is not fair, most probably I will be concentrating on trying to refute some of the unknown author's claim. Just kidding!
Before I continue with my thoughts, I would like to say that writing here has been such a good experience. The challenge that each new comment confronts me with is more than an eye opener. To all that reads my post, to all who find me stupid and hopeless, to all who find my thoughts romantic and to both followers and detractors alike, I thank you all for at least reading my thoughts.
Note: To all who are afraid to be confronted with new ideas, good luck with your uncontested life...
The weather has been specially conducive for sleeping here in the Philippines. The rains is not stopping for almost two days now. The national weather bureau says that rain is just caused by a low pressure area and that there is no storm. But if you were here and you would here the wind howling, you would probably question the weather itself and those who predict it.
My friend emailed me again to day giving me a prose from an unknown author, which in general told me to GROW UP by letting go. Quite comforting right, but I smiled as I read it. Opposition for me is not much of an issue. It is a way by which life teaches to look at things in a different perspective, so I welcome messages such as this. I also grow fond of people who take time to rebut my statements, because that means the purpose of my blog is well met. Like I always tell my friends, whenever I share my story, you should also listen to the point of view of the person regarding any issue or situation I am involved in. Knowing you are right doesn't mean you are right. It is just your perception. This started me thinking that maybe I am approaching my concerns in an incorrect manner.
When I said I have let gone, I meant I have unloaded myself with the bad memories and hurt that I feel. But how can you just forget all the things you shared with that special someone. I remember my brother's girlfriend telling me, "you should dwell on the things that make you hate her instead on the good things you shared to allow you to let go quickly..." These thoughts perplexes me a whole lot. They are like hieroglyphics to me waiting to be deciphered. Why do I feel like this? Because to do this means wasting 11 months of my life with out trying to discern what i can get from it. Or maybe I am just over-analyzing all the things around? Maybe I should just take the words of the people who care for me plainly?
On the other hand, I appreciate what my new found friend told me. To count my blessings. Now I have been doing just that. But while I let go and count blessings, I firmly ask God for my ex's safety, happiness and peace of mind as well as mine.
When I reviewed the whole passage of the unknown author, I felt like this person worked the details of his thoughts in his own comfort zone. To me, he was a person who is not willing to go to the extremes for love. I recall one of my beloved psychology professors, he once said that there are different of classifying people in the perspective of living. But there are two general categories to group them into: 1) there are those who live cloistered lives and not move out of their comfort zones, i.e. this type of individual would most likely tell you when you love someone always reserve something for yourself; and 2) there are those who will push things to the extreme, i.e. this type of individual would most likely move out of the convention of loving to understand what love is. Personally, I have always chosen the latter to love extremely. I guess it is due to my adventurous nature. Like what I said in previous posts I wrote, there is a danger in judging someone based on one's own view point since you are two different individuals. This is one of those differences I am talking about.
Now some may say that, to reserve something for yourself when it comes to loving allows you to bounce back easily if the relationship fails. They might even ask, "how can you give something you don't have for yourself since you given all of the love you have" Sounds logical right. But why do you pray and ask for grace from God? Isn't it that you are trying to tap in to his eternal and ever lasting source of love? Because knowing that God loves you allows you to ask fervently for your needs even, at times, your whims.
Let us take note, I don't ask much. I am only asking for 4 things. 1) I ask for both my ex and I to find happiness; 2) I ask that we both find peace of mind; 3) I ask that God keeps her safe from harm all the time; and 4) If God permits, in case she is in trouble, that I maybe able to rescue her.
Believe me I have let gone of the impact of all the bad things. Yesterday, I was seriously laughing by myself while I was thinking of random things. It was a laugh I have never felt for a long time. It's just that behind all these things I am discovering I still know that I love her. If growing up would entail letting go even of the good lessons and experiences I gained through my ex, then I might be forever young.
Remember love is a choice just like life. By what you decide to do with each day defines you as a person. I love her still.
Love: Pain. Suffering. Happiness.
Love: Pain. Suffering. Happiness.: "'Pain is inevitable. Suffering is an option. Happiness is a choice.' This was what one of my acquaintances told me yesterday. She gave me he..."
Pain. Suffering. Happiness.
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is an option. Happiness is a choice." This was what one of my acquaintances told me yesterday. She gave me her two cents in this matter I am dealing with. I know she was right. We even chatted in Facebook about this, but I think my stubbornness turned her off. She even exclaimed, as a reaction to one of my earlier post, "a lover can be replaced, but your friends and family are always there for you." She said this in our local dialect, which was heart warming and an eye opener. Indeed, I may be wrong to say that my family and friends doesn't understand me. Of-course, it is only logical that any person will get irritated by another persons bickering even if he/she loved him/her. I guess this is reason why my family and friends are not listening anymore. That is why I have silently and solemnly turned to God.
This is now the fourth day of my search in. It is not an easy task. I realize how easy I get tempted to react harshly in any situations. I now wonder if the people around are having a hard time dealing with me. I need to pick up my act. I know I can be true to myself without hurting others' feelings. Lustful thoughts do also come by may head to tempt me. I also have to overcome my smoking habit. All this needs to be left behind as my extra baggage.
I pray now that Apple is doing great. I asked God and will continue to ask Him for the past few days and for the days to come to grant her happiness and peace of mind. Let it be my gift to her made through God's grace. I have been honest to myself ever since I started this blog. So I exclaim the fact that I still love her, but I know God acknowledges that fact that I have surrendered everything to Him. The foolish me, at times, still wait for text and email messages coming from her. My anger a few weeks ago may have lead me to hurt her emotionally, but I have asked God constantly for forgiveness and peace within myself. Also, I simply ask for her safety. Recently, I have also added in my prayers that if my last duty towards her is to safely lead her to her true love- then I gladly accept the task. Because if in helping her find true love and spend a lifetime of happiness with it, I can atone for my sins then I gladly bare this cross.
Just like what my friend said, "Pain is inevitable." Like Jesus, even if He knew He was to suffer he trudged on to offer his life. I am not Jesus nor am I pretending to be. I not worthy to even blow the dust of his feet. But I will not run-away from the pain. He made me stronger to endure, so that I may change myself for the better.
"Suffering is an option." We chose the way we deal with our emotions. There are no hard and fast rules to loving. Love is not a fair game, because life itself is not. Who would dare tell me that Jesus' death is fair? We all owe him our lives. I failed to mention in my earlier posts that any decision becomes a wrong one if you can't live by it and if it hurts others. My vow is my decision. the way I see it I am neither hurting my ex-girlfriend nor myself. I move on in my own way. I just can't turn my back on the good lessons I gained and her love which she imparted with me. Behind all the lies, she was also a good person to me. Everyone deserves several second chances. Remember the quality of mercy you give is the quality of mercy you take.
I know I am judged for my thoughts, but that is the beauty of it. By disagreeing with my thoughts and reacting to it by sending me messages, I am avail to see a different view of the situation. Anyone afraid of opposition and conflict should best restrain their opinions and beliefs. Although it is important to know that one cannot simply judge another persons decision and actions through one's own experience, because both of you are different individuals.
But going along with my acquaintances thought process, I appreciate the part of the quote that she shared which says, "Happiness is a choice." Amen to that. I agree with her on this fact. My happiness lies in knowing that my ex-girlfriend has finally found her true love, because what I shared her for me was true. I don't brood anymore on the fact that I lost her. I don't want vengeance or anything drastic to happen to her. I just pray for her happiness, safety and peace of mind. Why do I do this? Because through her eyes, I saw joy that became my heaven. I saw God in her even with all her flaws.
So if my choice is wrong, please ask yourself what would you do if you were in my shoes. And before you even make that choice, ask your self this - "What would Jesus do if He were in this situation?" Do you think He would turn His back... His answer is my choice. Thus, I won't avoid the pain. I will reflect on God's suffering and pray for my ex-girlfriend. For in the end, my happiness is my choice. I still love her... Thank you God for everything!
Love: When it rains it pours
Love: When it rains it pours: "The heavens poured much of its tears yesterday hear in our place. The rain reminded me of you. When most of the people around me hated it, I..."
Love: When it rains it pours
Love: When it rains it pours: "The heavens poured much of its tears yesterday hear in our place. The rain reminded me of you. When most of the people around me hated it, I..."
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