My Life Begins Today

It’s over. The search within has reached the end of the road. For today my life heads on to a new direction. If it be a road less travelled, no one knows for sure.  The need to move on and stand up is in my midst. I just needed to pick myself up. Unfortunately, in any break-ups there are no winners- just losers. Like I once said, we are all victims of our lies, indecision, fickle-mindedness... But I move on still.

When the doors in our life shut, we fail to see that it is an opportunity to keep silent and heal our selves. Because in the middle of such melancholic solitude, we may start to recognize that there are windows of opportunities opening before our eyes. We just are too blinded to see them that is why we don’t recognize.

In our selfishness, we get devoured by our anger. Making us, unnecessarily agitated by our wanting to retaliate that brings no peace within. I wouldn’t want to change the things that have happened for the past 4 months. They were meant to transpire for a reason. I learnt a lot of things in the process. It has shown the type of person my ex-girlfriend is. I discovered that I can be very furious when agitated. A side I haven’t really seen much, which I don’t want to further discover. I also saw how my usually care-free, calm self be so consumed by anger. These are things I am now trying better to control.

We all wish we can weather all the storms that pass our lives, but are we really asking for the right thing by just wishing for our trials to pass. Maybe we fail to ask God to teach us to dance in the rain? So we can still smile in the midst of our trials. My ex-girlfriend and I failed to learn to dance in the rain. We were reduced to being enemies in the end. A sad ending only time can mend.

In this blog, I have spoken about love, pain, sorrow, suffering and so on, but I haven’t really focused much on forgiveness. So now I take this chance to say, “I am sorry!” I know she will not accept it. I have prayed for her for the past days. I have asked God for forgiveness, but only life’s lessons I believe will teach my ex-girlfriend to forgive. Thus, I apologize to all women who may have been hurt by other men in the process of their relationships. Hate is just too easy, but love takes courage.

Adieu my love. Til we meet again.

Pain. Suffering. Happiness.

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is an option. Happiness is a choice." This was what one of my acquaintances told me yesterday. She gave me her two cents in this matter I am dealing with. I know she was right. We even chatted in Facebook about this, but I think my stubbornness turned her off. She even exclaimed, as a reaction to one of my earlier post, "a lover can be replaced, but your friends and family are always there for you." She said this in our local dialect, which was heart warming and an eye opener. Indeed, I may be wrong to say that my family and friends doesn't understand me. Of-course, it is only logical that  any person will get irritated by another persons bickering even if he/she loved him/her. I guess this is reason why my family and friends are not listening anymore. That is why I have silently and solemnly turned to God. 

This is now the fourth day of my search in. It is not an easy task. I realize how easy I get tempted to react harshly in any situations. I now wonder if the people around are having a hard time dealing with me. I need to pick up my act. I know I can be true to myself without hurting others' feelings. Lustful thoughts do also come by may head to tempt me. I also have to overcome my smoking habit. All this needs to be left behind as my extra baggage.

I pray now that Apple is doing great. I asked God and will continue to ask Him for the past few days and for the days to come to grant her happiness and peace of mind. Let it be my gift to her made through God's grace. I have been honest to myself ever since I started this blog. So I exclaim the fact that I still love her, but I know God acknowledges that fact that I have surrendered everything to Him. The foolish me, at times, still wait for text and email messages coming from her. My anger a few weeks ago may have lead me to hurt her emotionally, but I have asked God constantly for forgiveness and peace within myself. Also, I simply ask for her safety. Recently, I have also added in my prayers that if my last duty towards her is to safely lead her to her true love- then I gladly accept the task. Because if in helping her find true love and spend a lifetime of happiness with it, I can atone for my sins then I gladly bare this cross.

Just like what my friend said, "Pain is inevitable." Like Jesus, even if He knew He was to suffer he trudged on to offer his life. I am not Jesus nor am I pretending to be. I not worthy to even blow the dust of his feet. But I will not run-away from the pain. He made me stronger to endure, so that I may change myself for the better. 

"Suffering is an option." We chose the way we deal with our emotions. There are no hard and fast rules to loving. Love is not a fair game, because life itself is not. Who would dare tell me that Jesus' death is fair? We all owe him our lives. I failed to mention in my earlier posts that any decision becomes a wrong one if you can't live by it and if it hurts others. My vow is my decision. the way I see it I am neither hurting my ex-girlfriend nor myself. I move on in my own way. I just can't turn my back on the good lessons I gained and her love which she imparted with me. Behind all the lies, she was also a good person to me. Everyone deserves several second chances. Remember the quality of mercy you give is the quality of mercy you take.

I know I am judged for my thoughts, but that is the beauty of it. By disagreeing with my thoughts and reacting to it by sending me messages, I am avail to see a different view of the situation. Anyone afraid of opposition and conflict should best restrain their opinions and beliefs. Although it is important to know that one cannot simply judge another persons decision and actions through one's own experience, because both of you are different individuals. 

But going along with my acquaintances thought process, I appreciate the part of the quote that she shared which says, "Happiness is a choice." Amen to that. I agree with her on this fact. My happiness lies in knowing that my ex-girlfriend has finally found her true love, because what I shared her for me was true. I don't brood anymore on the fact that I lost her. I don't want vengeance or anything drastic to happen to her. I just pray for her happiness, safety and peace of mind. Why do I do this? Because through her eyes, I saw joy that became my heaven. I saw God in her even with all her flaws. 

So if my choice is wrong, please ask yourself what would you do if you were in my shoes. And before you even make that choice, ask your self this - "What would Jesus do if He were in this situation?" Do you think He would turn His back... His answer is my choice. Thus, I won't avoid the pain. I will reflect on God's suffering and pray for my ex-girlfriend. For in the end, my happiness is my choice. I still love her... Thank you God for everything!