Love: We should condemn this man's acts.
Love: We should condemn this man's acts.: "I am deeply bothered by the acts of this man- Anders Behring Breivik. Gone are the days of the crusades when killing an infidel is just and..."
We should condemn this man's acts.
I am deeply bothered by the acts of this man- Anders Behring Breivik. Gone are the days of the crusades when killing an infidel is just and holy. In his case, he killed 93 innocent people. Regardless of their religion and beliefs, they should have been left in peace. Breivik should have considered that a life lived in peace is a much noble life and a life worth living. I am catholic, but I condemn the act of this man. If we have time, please let us all mourn and pray for the victims of this atrocious act.
Please read through the Yahoo article.
http://news.yahoo.com/norway-sLove: My Life Begins Today
Love: My Life Begins Today: "It’s over. The search within has reached the end of the road. For today my life heads on to a new direction. If it be a road less travelled,..."
My Life Begins Today
It’s over. The search within has reached the end of the road. For today my life heads on to a new direction. If it be a road less travelled, no one knows for sure. The need to move on and stand up is in my midst. I just needed to pick myself up. Unfortunately, in any break-ups there are no winners- just losers. Like I once said, we are all victims of our lies, indecision, fickle-mindedness... But I move on still.
When the doors in our life shut, we fail to see that it is an opportunity to keep silent and heal our selves. Because in the middle of such melancholic solitude, we may start to recognize that there are windows of opportunities opening before our eyes. We just are too blinded to see them that is why we don’t recognize.
In our selfishness, we get devoured by our anger. Making us, unnecessarily agitated by our wanting to retaliate that brings no peace within. I wouldn’t want to change the things that have happened for the past 4 months. They were meant to transpire for a reason. I learnt a lot of things in the process. It has shown the type of person my ex-girlfriend is. I discovered that I can be very furious when agitated. A side I haven’t really seen much, which I don’t want to further discover. I also saw how my usually care-free, calm self be so consumed by anger. These are things I am now trying better to control.
We all wish we can weather all the storms that pass our lives, but are we really asking for the right thing by just wishing for our trials to pass. Maybe we fail to ask God to teach us to dance in the rain? So we can still smile in the midst of our trials. My ex-girlfriend and I failed to learn to dance in the rain. We were reduced to being enemies in the end. A sad ending only time can mend.
In this blog, I have spoken about love, pain, sorrow, suffering and so on, but I haven’t really focused much on forgiveness. So now I take this chance to say, “I am sorry!” I know she will not accept it. I have prayed for her for the past days. I have asked God for forgiveness, but only life’s lessons I believe will teach my ex-girlfriend to forgive. Thus, I apologize to all women who may have been hurt by other men in the process of their relationships. Hate is just too easy, but love takes courage.
Adieu my love. Til we meet again.
Love: We maybe God's messenger to others
Love: We maybe God's messenger to others: "Dear Love, Twinkle was right when she pointed that I am still in love with the thought of the girl I first knew. I thank her for saying som..."
We maybe God's messenger to others
Dear Love,
Twinkle was right when she pointed that I am still in love with the thought of the girl I first knew. I thank her for saying something like that. It opened my eyes more to the reality of what I have today. I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but she is different now. So am I.
The last conversation I had with Twinkle was a sort of wake up call. I don’t know why she was the one, who was able to knock some sense into my head. Most my friends and family are saying the same thing, but it was her who was able to cut the message across to me. Perhaps, it is because of the fact she is also hurting with her own love situation. God definitely finds imperfect vessels to make messengers of. She just became a God sent messenger for me.
What was weird with what Twinkled told me was that she also got the message from a friend of hers, who was in a sort of the same situation like ours. I can still remember Twinkle sharing these words to me, “You love her. And you exert all the effort to love her even if you have parted ways. But who will love you then? If she is not the same person that you used to know. Why would you chase her if she doesn’t want to be chased? And who will chase after you?” I was dumb-founded by the words twinkle shared with me. For a moment, I saw clarity and hope in what the future brings.
I just have to do the best of what today brings. I can’t let the past drag me down. The past may have been a big failure for both of us, but the future may bestow wonderful surprises if we do our best today. From now on, I will chase my dreams. I hope someday love finds my way again.
Sincerely,
Me
Love: I will miss you...
Love: I will miss you...: "Dear Love, You probably missed out that I do get hurt too. Her absence just hurts badly. I wish you take it away. I can’t explain how lost ..."
I will miss you...
Dear Love,
You probably missed out that I do get hurt too. Her absence just hurts badly. I wish you take it away. I can’t explain how lost I am. She just left a hole right through my world- a void simply too big to fill. The words of people who try to help me only seem to clutter my mind. Perhaps I am meant to endure this emptiness until I find myself again.
All the doors shut on me now. But I still thank you for everything. For once I can prove that my heart still beats. That it is capable of loving, of enduring pain… The thought of her simply eats me inside. I wish I can say I hate her, but I can’t. How can I do so when she has always been the best part of me?
I am going to miss her smile… her gentleness that always extends its warmth. The amazing way she carries herself I will forever cherish. How she kindly encourages me each time I fall… It disappoints me to know that I can never hug her with such warmth. Her gentle stare each time she is troubled consumes me… My shoulder simply lost its purpose knowing she will not be there to lean on it whenever the wears of the world has worn her out… Her sweet caress I will definitely miss… The conversations we had will soon be but memories of what used to be. Our dreams will simply be painful thoughts of the past that will hunt me. She is a love that I gained and lost. Forever I guess wasn’t long enough.
I bid the thought her adieu. Love with her simply became bittersweet. Who would have thought it will come to this? I guess I will see her again when the hands of angels brushes away all my earthly worries. See you til then my love.
Yours always in love,
The Lost Me
Love: A Story
Love: A Story: "31 days has passed. Still no rainbow in sight, I think I am losing hope. Sigh. Here is a story I would like to share. 47 days ago, I recei..."
Love: A Story
Love: A Story: "31 days has passed. Still no rainbow in sight, I think I am losing hope. Sigh. Here is a story I would like to share. 47 days ago, I recei..."
A Story
31 days has passed. Still no rainbow in sight, I think I am losing hope. Sigh.
Here is a story I would like to share.
47 days ago, I received an email from my ex-girlfriend containing the pictures of her fiancé-Aiden. There were no texts or any message in the email. It only had 4 attachments. This is probably one of the most hilarious emails I have ever received from her. How so? When my brother and I examine the attachments of the email, we can’t help but laugh in amazement. I guess my ex-girlfriend did not realize that she sent edited pictures to someone who knows how to edit them. Or at least these pictures, she forwarded me are edited by an amateur. My ex-girlfriend even named her American boyfriend Aiden, whose name was actually the title on the subject line of the email message I am pertaining to.
Now why do my brother and I find the pictures funny, because the pictures of her so-called fiancé are actually shots taken from the internet of a famous actor. Who was the actor? It was Matt Lanter. Who is Matt Lanter? If you are familiar with the TV series “90210”, then you probably are familiar with him. He portrays the role of Liam Court in the said TV series. If you want more info on Matt Lanter, here is his mini biography that I lifted from IMDb.com: (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1782667/)
Matthew Mackendree Lanter, or better known to fans as Matt Lanter was born on April 1, 1983 in Massillon, Stark County, Ohio, to Joseph Lanter and Jana Burson. He also has a sister named Kara Day. She is a teacher at Rea View Elementary School in Waxhaw, Union County, North Carolina.
When Matt turned 8 years old, he and his family moved to Atlanta, Fulton County in Georgia. Growing up, the blue-eyed actor spent most of his time playing baseball, football and golf. His love for baseball led him to scoring a position as a bat boy with the Atlanta Braves.
In the year 2001, he graduated from Collins Hill High School. Unfortunately for him, his parents got divorced when he was a senior at Collins Hill. Matt majored in Sports Business at the University of Georgia, but eventually moved to Los Angeles to follow his dreams of being part of the showbiz industry. He attended the University of Georgia after attending a community college for two years.
He first gained the attention of fans when he was selected as a contestant in the 2004 reality television series, Manhunt. The show revolved around contestants having to compete with each other in a series of modeling events. Although he did not win the competition, Matt succeeded in making the show's top 10.
It didn't take too long before critics started noticing Matt. He started landing guest roles on 8 Simple Rules, HBO's Big Love,and Point Pleasant, as well as some modeling jobs and national commercials in the country. Matt's big break came along when he starred as Horace Calloway, the John F. Kennedy-like first son on the short lived ABC political series, Commander in Chief in 2005. However, most people do not know that he was in fact, not in the original pilot. Instead, Matt was a re-cast.
In summer 2006, Matt had the opportunity of starring in a theater production of Without Walls alongside Laurence Fishburne at the Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles. That same year, he managed to earn a role on Heroes. He played Brody Mitchum, opposite Hayden Panettiere's character, Claire Bennett. Being a part of Heroes proved to be a great opportunity for Matt as the show had high ratings, which allowed Matt to gain more exposure. Fortunately for Matt, his role on Heroes paid off. He managed to snag guest roles on Shark, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Grey's Anatomy and Monk.
The year 2008 proved to be one of Matt's successful years. He made his debut on the big screen as a voice actor. He portrayed Anakin Skywalker in the animated film, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, a side story that is set between Star Wars II and Star Wars III. He also managed to get a role in Disaster Movie, playing Will, who was the boyfriend of Vanessa Minnilo's character.
More recently, he has signed on to play Liam, a character who's storyline will be entangled with AnnaLynne McCord's character, Naomi. Matt is expected to make his debut in the popular teen series next February. His movie, Sorority Row, will also be released in October 2009.
Despite being busy working in the industry, Matt says that he tries to stay as humble as possible. When he's not acting, he enjoys being outdoors, playing golf and relaxing at the beach. With more acting roles coming his way, there is definitely more to expect from this Ohio native.
So if Matt Lanter and Aiden (my ex-girlfriends American fiancé) is the same person, who then is being fooled? Did my ex-girlfriend send this message to ward me of? Well if she did, I already got the message crystal clear. But if she insist that it is Aiden who is in those pictures, then I am afraid that she is being played for a fool.
Aside from laughing at the pictures she sent, I became worried for her. Why? What if she was really being fooled? The edited pictures simply bugged me. So, I created a PowerPoint presentation that points out the flaws of the pictures of her Aiden. Just when I was about to send it to her, I realize that she might think that I am still very much affected by our break-up. And then I asked myself, “What if the email was really meant to fool me?” Sending her my presentation will only make me look stupid. Thus, I decided not to send it to her. But for the interest of those who want to see my presentation, I will post it here.
Now, you will be judge whether what she sent me is hilarious or not. DECIDE.
Love: Where do I now stand?
Love: Where do I now stand?: "30 days. The search within is almost over. I’m tired. I’m doing better now, but the thoughts of her still lingers. She serves like a drug- m..."
Love: Where do I now stand?
Love: Where do I now stand?: "30 days. The search within is almost over. I’m tired. I’m doing better now, but the thoughts of her still lingers. She serves like a drug- m..."
Where do I now stand?
30 days. The search within is almost over. I’m tired. I’m doing better now, but the thoughts of her still lingers. She serves like a drug- my personal high.
I have kept silent for a couple of days. I have neither written nor spent enough thought to post anything on this blog. The depression seems to permeate some more into my heart. I had to keep still. I knew this time that brooding over the lost of her would bring nothing good to me.
Now I am tired asking who was at fault in our relationship. Ever since I have surrendered everything about our relationship to God, I have tried to forgive and forget her. But I don’t know why she is still here in my world. I am done over analyzing how we could have saved what we had... or how our love could have still persisted. I have stopped questioning who were the people I shared her with. Who were the other spare tires? I have given-up on wanting her to reveal all the lies she threw my way. I have even resigned from wanting to see her even from a far just for one last time. I refrained from being perplexed with how she managed to say I love you to me, and then say I love you to another lover. I simply stopped convincing myself that her feelings for me were true. Even if I have asked God for the will to turn away from my feelings for her, the memories of her become harder to bear no matter how much I have tried to forget her. Now that my self-evaluation is almost over, I can’t understand why she remains here in my heart. Thus, I ask, “Will I ever come to forget her? Or will she be in my heart until I die?”
Maybe?! Only God knows what will happen next.
I believe love will continue to be an illusion having shared her with someone else from the start. For life, I will keep this burden of knowing that only one has stood well enough to fight for what we had until the very end. Passion seemed to have not existed at all since her heart and mind longed for someone else, even while we were making love.
So I pray that her memory fades inside me like an ancient language carved in stone, forgotten by time and which only I can understand. She was just a dream that a foolish man like me has cherished. Like a sculpture carved by a masters skilful hand, her name will remain etched in the cold, barren, empty and broken walls of my suffering soul. Her heart now belongs to another man.
Where do I now stand? Lost can’t even properly describe how I feel. I guess love simply took the best of me. But I never regret giving it my all. For I have decided from the start to love her with all I have.
Love: When signs are ignored
Love: When signs are ignored: "June 30. 25 days of examining my life is both rewarding and a pain. I am doing better now, but she still remains in my stubborn heart. I am ..."
When signs are ignored
June 30. 25 days of examining my life is both rewarding and a pain. I am doing better now, but she still remains in my stubborn heart. I am thinking of ways to make up for my mistakes.
I have seen my ex-girlfriend’s kindness in the days when love had us in her cradle. I loved how she gave to the poor. My heart was warmed when she always told me of things she wanted to do for the poor. I also loved the way she valued her family and friends. How she defended them was inspiring. Her gentleness and kindness lingers in my heart and mind. All these things drew her closer to me on those days when love was ours to wield. Unfortunately, there were signs I ignored in the process of our love.
The signs ignored
There were days when I asked her if she loves me but would not answer. She always found a way to throw a question back instead of answering with a simple and sweet yes. She asked me often, “What do you think?” This was the first sign I ignored. After every fight, it never ceased to amaze me how she almost always is willing to let go of me. It was as if everything we shared meant no value to her. She always said that she would just forget me. I guess she had so many baggage and unfinished business left unresolved. That’s why? It was burden enough for me to have pursued her knowing that she wasn’t fully over from her 6 year relationship, but her deception made it harder to distinguish what was true in our relationship. Another sign I ignored.
I never lied to my ex-girlfriend about my marital status. From the get go, when we first sat down to chat and eat lunch, I shared with her the stories about my failed marriage. But she just had to lie to her parents and family about my marital status, she said that she was just trying to protect my image knowing that she might be pulled away from me if her family knew about it. But if love meant defending the people you value most, she just did the opposite by lying to her family about me. A sign ignored again.
Facebook, now-a-days, can I either be a blessing or a curse. When we were still connected in facebook as friends, I have always been proud of her being my girlfriend. I have told her how much I love her through private messages and posts in FB, but I am shocked how easy it was for her to delete me when I posted our pictures. She told me that she didn’t want her friend to see her with someone else. My ex-girlfriend reiterated that I understood the situation that her best friend in Australia might get mad if she learns that she hasn’t informed her about me. Now the way I see it, it wasn’t just that she was keeping me from her best friend but there was another flame waiting for her in Australia. Another sign ignored shall we say.
When your girlfriend starts calling you names and curses you without restraint or holding back, you might want to re-evaluate your relationship. When your lover calls you worthless and ugly, without really looking your true value and worth, love between the both of you should be questioned. How are we to know a person’s true beauty? When most the world is too absorbed at looking at the physical attributes of a person. One of the signs ignored.
Text messaging has made communication easier for most couple now-a-days, but when your lover doesn’t even send you a simple message when you are already worrying about him or her. Start to question. My ex-girlfriend did just that. There were days when I am worried and always told her how communication is very important to me, but still she would go on days when we are apart that she would not text me- not even a simple hello. It simply makes you wonder and worry all the more. This is a sign you should never ignore. Remember communication is a key ingredient in all relationships no matter how private a person your lover is.
But the worst sign to ignore of all is when your partner calls you “son of a bitch” and wishes for your death. When your roads lead to this end, perhaps you should gently part ways with your lover. This relationship you have simply is not healthy. This was the last sign I ignored. My love or perhaps obsession blinded me.
But no matter how we regret and reminisce the moments we have shared with a love one, the truth remains that we hold the key towards the success or failure of our relationships. We hold the key to our emancipation from the realities that oppress us. In the end like all the other post I have written so far, I say once again, “Love is our decision.” WE DECIDE.
Because of Anger and Hate
22 days. I am pass the half way mark. I don’t know if I am winning this battle against myself or if am losing. I am just lost in this sea of sorrows, but I am glad to re-evaluate my life. I love her still! I don’t know why.
I have been paying much attention to twitter lately, but yesterday I just realized that the best friend of my ex-girlfriend tweeted me on June 9 of this year. Here is what she said, I quote without a changing her grammar and spelling, “hey dude u don't know me but hell yeah I know you're a fcken douchebag!” It is a very inquisitive and spiteful way to open a conversation with someone you don’t know, right?!
When I read this message, I really did not how to react. The hurt I have felt for the past weeks has reduced me to being numb and impervious to such kind of comments. How can I not be numb? See during our (meaning my ex-girlfriend and I) last exchange of text message, she conveyed her birthday wish quite clearly- my death. I guess this is the price of exposing the truth. Remember Hate is easy.
I myself am not so blessed with patience and tolerance for the lies she thrown my way. I was not so gentle in dealing with truth. In my small way getting even was what I aimed for, which I got and regret at the same time. Why? Because by getting back, which was not close to getting even, I lost her forever. Anger led me to lose sight of love. I hurt the only thing I valued most by exposing her lies. To whom? And How? I spoke to her supposedly ex-fiancé about everything she had done. How she used him and me? See their relationship did not end when I entered her life. Just when I thought that I was competing with her ex-boyfriend, whom she loved for 6 years and was in the USA, she did not reveal that I was also competing with her fiancé that lives in Australia. Now, I realize how many spare tires she has for her relationship. Fortunately, I was one of those spare tires. Easily left. Conveniently discarded.
Now looking back, I wish I just held my piece at that time and not let anger take a hold of me. In God’s time, all truths behind every lie will be revealed. I just lacked the patience to wait, which made me lose her all the more. Moreover, the things we do and say under such circumstances may uplift or demean our sense of morals and our character. It is also reflective of our breeding and education. Therefore, with how I reacted to my ex-girlfriend’s lies, I lowered my own values and shamed myself for losing control. It was as if I did not have any breeding and education, even if we say that we all do foolish things out of love.
Reflecting now on what my ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s message, I looked up the meaning of douchebag over the internet. I found two meanings of which through Urban Dictionary that were interesting. 1. Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached f@$%*r or motherf@$%*r. 2. An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears. It was quite a handful of unpleasant words to depict the meaning of this word. To be exact.
Now, I write not to refute my ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s claim of what kind of person I am. I feel she is right, because I demeaned my own upbringing in the process. Plus, I already made that mistake once of trying to bite back. I am not about to engage her best friend in a senseless debate. But I was surprised, with how I and her best friend reacted to our tweets. It wasn’t as feisty as I had expected it to be, but it was very frank and cold. Our conversation left me only three important things, which are stated below:
1. We were all victims by our lies and selfishness. Whatever we do in life has a way of catching up with us.
3. If you really love someone, no matter the hurt they deal you; you shouldn’t even consider getting even or taking vengeance.
The calm demeanor I had during that conversation was a gift. I guess I am gradually regaining my patience. On the other hand, her best friend was able to release her disappointment and a little of the disgust she feels towards me. As I can best describe it. But evaluating both parties’ actions, I believe we are great examples of people who lower their morals and standards due to emotions. Why? Assume that I really am douchebag and she a fine and educated woman, why then would she take time to send a fowl message to a douchebag knowing that he is one. Or call someone a moron, knowing that he is one. Wouldn’t that kind of action leave you in the gray? On my behalf, why did I even react to her message knowing that conversation and our arguments will be coming from opposing poles. This reaction somehow merits me the title of douche bag, I suppose. How would you consider our actions then?
YOU DECIDE.
For reference to the meanings of the word douchebag I used in this article, click on this link:
Love: We are all victims
Love: We are all victims: "Today, I exchanged tweets with my ex-girlfriend’s best friend, who did curse me last June 9. Her message then was quite a distraction, since..."
We are all victims
Today, I exchanged tweets with my ex-girlfriend’s best friend, who did curse me last June 9. Her message then was quite a distraction, since she called me names and cursed me. My conversation with her today in Twitter was refreshing, because she was calm in explaining herself. I guess her initial message conveyed her emotion. She was very straight-forward during our verbal exchange, which I really appreciated.
There was one thing she said in the middle of our conversation that really struck me. She said we are all victims. We all are victims of our actions and decisions. When my ex-girlfriend decided to lie to me, she did not consider how I would feel and how my family and friends would feel. When I learned about her lies and decided to react, I never saw how it will affect her family and friends as well. We were both blinded by our indecision and selfishness that love did not have enough space to grow well between us. We restricted our own understanding of what love is.
I also recall what her friend told me over twitter. What’s done is done. She hit the nail hard on the head again when she said this. She marked the exclamation to what I had with her friend. It is the end of the line. If only anger doesn’t consume us during times when we are in pain and suffering, then maybe the world will be a better place to live in. Remember whatever good or bad things we do in life has a way of catching up with us.
We can decide to laugh the lies off, but we can also do otherwise. We can choose life to put us down, but can also choose to fight back. Thus, we choose to be victims.
DECIDE.
Love: A View on Courage
Love: A View on Courage: "19 days. I am almost half way my 40 day journey of searching from within myself to find true treasure- love and passion. I just posted yest..."
A View on Courage
19 days. I am almost half way my 40 day journey of searching from within myself to find true treasure- love and passion.
I just posted yesterday how we should take courage when in love or when love leaves us instead. But while I was thinking of something worthwhile to write about, I reminisced on this very inspiring story that has always lead me to stand up after every fall. It was the story of a girl who had a mountain of courage to pursue something she was so passionate about.
Have you ever dared to dream and prove that anything you put your mind into is possible? If you have, then wait until you here this girl's story. Her name is Ashley Cowan. Ashley proves that anything is possible if you put your heart into something every day of her life.
This is how her story starts and how it inspires me.
It was back in 2001, which was one of the most trying times of my life if we recall my previous post, when I heard of her story. I can still remember I was watching television through one of the local channels in the Philippines where her story was featured.
On September 7, the 15-year-old Canadian girl (Ashley Cowan) swam across the 20-kilometre wide Lake Eerie to become the youngest woman to ever cross it. Swimming across the lake took Ashley a little over 15 hours to finish. Even her coach, Vickie Keith, and their team who supported Ashley through this challenge expressed how proud they were of her to have accomplished such feat. They even said that there were times Ashley wanted to stop, but they added that she toughed it out. But what is most remarkable about this young woman was her big heart. Why? Let me tell you one very important thing about her. Ashley Cowan is a quadruple amputee because of Meningitis that she contracted when she was 15 months old. Let me point it out again, she had no arms and legs. And yet she accomplished what seemed impossible for most of us.
To this day, her life story continues to be an inspiration. When I think of her story it makes me feel that nothing is impossible, especially when you put your heart and mind to doing something. She is an epitome of great courage.
I wonder if we can have the same big heart and concentrate on the things that matter to us. I wonder what kind of amazing things we can offer the world. How the world can be such a wonderful place because of it? Maybe we can also have a big heart full of courage? If we desire and choose to wield it.
DECIDE TO BE COURAGEOUS.
See feature and full stories about her by clicking on the links below:
Love: Hate is Easy, Love takes Courage.
Love: Hate is Easy, Love takes Courage.: "18 days of thinking. 18 days of re-evaluating my life. Finding things that matter. Learning from lessons I gained along the way. But one thi..."
Hate is Easy, Love takes Courage.
18 days of thinking. 18 days of re-evaluating my life. Finding things that matter. Learning from lessons I gained along the way. But one thing still remains, my love for the person I recently lost to another man. I love you still!
I never really explained why I placed the picture banner that says “Hate is easy, Love takes courage...” in my blog titles background. So let me take time to explain why.
Through the course of losing my ex-girlfriend to this date, I have been flooded with multitudes of kinds of emotions. It chokes me sometimes to the point of drowning and completely losing myself. One of the emotions that flooded my entire being, which I detest so much, was anger. It streamed out of the hate I felt for her, who left me to dry and live on my own now. It was primarily due to the lies she spat on my face while we were still together. Along the way to recovery, I realized on one of the days when I was thinking of everything that has happened; how easy it was for me to retaliate and hate her even if I still felt something for her. Evil simply makes it easy to take vengeance. To keep the love and restrain the ill feelings that rouse me to take revenge was what I felt would be better. I don’t want to sound like a masochist. Enjoying the pain or suffering dealt by my lost was not my cup of tea, because how can you take vengeance on someone you once love so easily. Vengeance was not mine to deal. A higher being wields it, but not me. I guess there is no fair explanation why vengeance can’t easily be done, unless you are overcome by evil. Love simply takes courage for those who hurt and got hurt.
I remember this line I usually quote from the movie “The Kingdom of Heaven”, which goes; “By what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man.” This may apply to all. Our decisions define us. Thus, I have decided to love her still but not take vengeance. Her love and God’s love will lead me to the shores of whoever life has in store for me to hold. At least, for this lifetime. My true love.
WE ALL DECIDE.
Love: Simplicity and Faith
Love: Simplicity and Faith: "17 days of painstaking search has passed. I still love her, but I know I have lost her. Earlier today, I was walking through the lawn i..."
Simplicity and Faith
17 days of painstaking search has passed. I still love her, but I know I have lost her.
Earlier today, I was walking through the lawn inside our yard when I saw a blue dragon fly passing by. It made me smile. It brought about childhood memories that I cherished. Those were days when the cares of the world did not bother me. It was a care-free life. In a certain degree of sense, it is a worry free life.
Earlier today, I was walking through the lawn inside our yard when I saw a blue dragon fly passing by. It made me smile. It brought about childhood memories that I cherished. Those were days when the cares of the world did not bother me. It was a care-free life. In a certain degree of sense, it is a worry free life.
Hakuna matata!
Looking back, during one of the gatherings I attended together with my high school friends, I can still remember telling them that it would be great to be stuck in those days when we were still kids. I told them that it would be fun since we did not have to bother about learning and going through the pains of falling in and out of love, of what failure entails, of the pains of heartbreak, the suffering of losing someone you love most and the works. As foolish as it sounds, I did wish for it. I made that wish when I lost my wife. Yes, I am saying that I was married before.
You must be wondering now how complicated my life must be. It is very complex. Mostly, I blame myself for the wrong choices that I have made in the past, which has led me to where I am today. But I guess most my blog viewers now that already. Although, something different hit my mind when I recall what I said. A new idea... or rather a refreshing idea hit my mind.
In one of the religious community sharing session that I had partaken in the past, I can clearly recall a lady who shared a thought about how we should live. She said we should live in a modest and simple way, so that we can give our excess to poor people. So they may also live. Refreshing isn’t it. Logical, but hard to swallow and digest. To be able to accept this reality entails simplicity amongst us. I had a hard time accepting it to be straight-forward. Our parents and the world, in a way, have taught us to dream. Often times, it dares us to create larger-than-life-kind-of-dreams. Like I did, then suddenly this thought. Live Simple, So Others May Simply Live.
To accept this thought was like fitting an entire ocean into a bucket, but I was wrong to think this. If you believe in God or any other supreme being, we need to realize that there are still things that our human minds can’t fathom. To understand it means we need to be gods ourselves. But there is an answer to this problem- FAITH. When we can’t control the things that turn everything about, it is faith that keeps us balanced. Faith leaves us the opportunity to submit everything to that one Supreme Being. When faith leaves you nothing but the choice of to be or not to be, then it is the time when we blindly trudge on without doubt and reluctance. It is a chance to TRUST.
We can all express our faith in little ways. I expressed mine when I lost my wife to her lover a couple of years back. Had I not kept some faith in me, I would probably be a junkie by now or worse- dead. It was painful, but I had to let go. Now, I have experienced another heartbreak in the hands of another person I hold dear. Two different women I trusted, but turned their backs on me for their lovers. A pragmatic person would probably think that there maybe something wrong me. They may have a point, but that is due for another post. If I had no notion of what faith is even in the slightest way, I would probably be sulking in the pain I am feeling and drowning myself with alcohol due to my last falling out. So, we need to try to be faithful and simple to know life and love better.
Maybe we have been living our lives in a fashion that does not please our God? Maybe we have been asking for the wrong things? Maybe we need to be a little more faithful?
It is amazing how see faith in kids. For Christians, we can see in the Bible how God instructs us to be like kids in accepting the kingdom of God. For practical individuals if you observe kids, you will realize how children obey their parents even without knowing their intentions. This is the faith I am talking about.
Maybe I am not so mistaken asking to be a kid forever after all? Maybe I have been longing and dreaming of the wrong things? Maybe I lacked faith and simplicity?
Simplicity and Faith are the two things I contemplated on today. Maybe by being simple and faithful, I can finally meet up with that one true love my heart awaits.
WE ALL DECIDE.
Love: How can you give something you don't have?
Love: How can you give something you don't have?: "The sixteenth day of looking into my life... I have been watching a couple films lately as a means to get by my day. Until a couple of days..."
How can you give something you don't have?
The sixteenth day of looking into my life...
I have been watching a couple films lately as a means to get by my day. Until a couple of days ago, I came across this movie that knocked sense into my head. The title of the movie is SuckerPunch.
SuckerPunch wasn’t really much of box-office hit if you were to ask me. Its special effects were a bit mediocre. The storyline was unique, but can be confusing. But what was good about it came with its message. The last few lines of the movie conveyed the message clearly, which struck me most. It was something worth looking into.
"And finally this question...
The mystery of whose story it would be...
Who draws the curtain?
Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance?
Who drives us mad lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible?
Who is it... that tells all these things?
Who honors those we love for the very life we live?
Who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time things that will never die?
Who teaches us what is real?
And how to laugh at lies?
Who decides why we live and what will die to defend?
Who chains us?
And who holds the key that will set us free?
It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.
(SuckerPunch)
Even though the movie was surreal, these last few lines gave much meaning to me. And even if the events that transpired in the movie can only happen in our subconscious, the significance of its message pierces the heart as it did mine.
Deep into my heart, it has now sank.
Most of the things that have gone wrong for the past year are caused by my own doing. I should have placed some premium in improving myself during the time I spent with her. I should paid attention to the signs. She moved out of my life, because of her dissatisfaction with me. She did not like most of what I am capable of and my decisions, which amounted to my nothingness and emptiness. I should have loved myself more. We can never give what we don't have. Remember. I was already lacking love for myself. This brings to mind something my friend told me. She exclaimed that I should have learned to love myself a little more.
To find the things that make me happy is now my main goal. To explore the boundaries of the things I am capable of doing. I dare now to dance like no one is watching. To laugh like no one hears. With boldness, I now face the future. I am facing it with much more courage than ever before. Unfazed. Stout. Free. I now stand. Because like the narrative I quoted above, you are the key to your own happiness.
I choose to live with love freely for I am my own key. And someday that one thing I so long for will be there right before my eyes without me noticing. It will be the love that will blanket me with love, gentleness, kindness and affection. Love will find us in time. It will find and save me.
FOR I HAVE DECIDED.
Love: If... But... Because... Despite of...
Love: If... But... Because... Despite of...: "'One is loved because one is loved . No reason is needed for loving .' This is a passage from the book entitled the Alchemist, written by P..."
If... But... Because... Despite of...
"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving." This is a passage from the book entitled the Alchemist, written by Paolo Coelho.
One of the things that make love exciting is that there are no exact reasons to how it persist or even come into being. Like one of my favourite authors exact in the passage I quoted above, there are no reasons to loving. It exists because it exists.
The biggest mistake I have made in loving my ex-girlfriend is that I named a few reasons why I needed and loved her. Being family oriented was one of the reasons I named when we were still together. Never did I realize that in love, all the subtle reasons we have in our hearts for pursuing any relationship naturally happens without us recognizing. Because in love, especially when we involve God in it, all good things dwell.
When we love with reason, it is as if we love people for one sole purpose. So when we fail to achieve it, we suddenly fall out of love and get disillusioned.
After one of our biggest fights, I can recall when I asked her, “Why does it seem that you are always ready to leave me whenever we fight?” I believe now she felt love for me that was based on reasoning. She had a love dedicated for me that was based on pity. I feel that she didn’t really learn to love me, but I know I can’t be the judge of what she felt. All I know is she did confirm with one of our common friend that she only learned to love me. She did not really like from the start of our relationship. How can love bloom in a field of reasons? Why would we let matters of the heart be tendered by the mind? And yet she did.
Thus, anyone who says they love you IF you can give your entirety to them does not really love you, because love is not self-seeking. How can someone give his/ her entirety when this love I speak of is meant to be shared amongst family, friends and even enemies. A person’s entirety only belongs to one supreme being- God. Whoever tells you that they love you BUT you have to surrender everything to them; is also mistaken about their notion of love. For love is not selfish. How can selfishness be called love? Why would you surrender everything to someone when you should never be considered like property? No one is anybody’s property. You owe no one anything, except God. Also, whoever exclaims they love you BECAUSE you are beautiful are in the wrong. For their notion of love is diminished by their own foolish ideals. How can they love when all they see is outward appearance? They must be in lust. Any reasons for love lead by an IF, a BUT and a BECAUSE are not really good foundations for loving. But when one says that he/ she loves you, despite of everything that you may have been... who you are... and who you will be; then that I will call love. When one loves everything about some for no explainable reason, when one accepts a person’s entirety despite of and when one seeks not to change the person they love, that is love in its purest and simplest form.
I wish we can all learn to love despite of our loved ones past, but I guess the beauty of life lies in the variation of our views towards love. As a final note, the beauty of this love I talk about still lies in the choice we make. Still you decide how you would love, but also learn to bear its consequences. Again, YOU DECIDE.
This is now the 12th day of my search. I am getting better in coping up with my situation and in healing myself even if I still feel something for my ex-girlfriend. Thank you God!
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love: Independence
Love: Indepedence: "Independence is the word I have been contemplating on for the past two days. For those who have been viewing my blog, you must be thinking ..."
Indepedence
June 12 has passed. For most Filipinos, this day means our independence from our countries colonizers. The Spaniards. The Americans. The Japanese. Who else? I guess that is beside the point.
This is now the 10th day of searching from within myself about the meaning of things, which are important to me and not. I am a bit tired, but excited in a certain degree of sense. It sounds like an irony. It’s a yin-yang emotion that I feel inside of me. I can’t really explain it. I hope I really find the day when I can tell myself that everything is behind me. I yearn for that day when I can really smile and laugh again. I miss both of it.
Two days ago, I was in the middle of doing something for my brother. It was something really important to him. When all of a sudden, he blurts out in a questioning manner- “Why are you so absent minded”. He even asked me, “Why don’t you try to focus?” It was enlightening and bewildering at the same time. I knew he understands my predicament, but I felt he was being insensitive of my situation. I am not saying that he is, because he is God’s blessing to me. He has heard me out countless of times through this ordeal, but I guess he has reached his limit. That was when I realized, there is something more to what I am going through than just pain and suffering.
Dragging down the people who are supporting me is what I am really doing. I don’t mean for this to happen, but it is. See when we dwell in our pain and suffering, we selfishly see only our self which is in agony. We can’t see those who care for us. But if we dream to be stronger, we should surpass this hurdle to be able to understand that we are not alone. The world does not stop from turning if you fail or fall. You have to stand up and fight back. I am not saying you hurt the people who hurt you. But show them that you are strong, because God is with you. I guess when I realized this; I needed to take a break from writing. I felt that all I was writing about are selfish thoughts. I didn’t want my readers to say, “This man is very foolish and selfish.” Now, I really have to stand up.
I am writing what I feel now to alleviate the hurt that is left. Please forgive me for all the previous post that may have been selfish. I know I still love her, but like what one of my friends told me recently- I should be casting my sorrows, burdens and fears upon the Lord. I am trying hard to do this now. I am finding new meaning in things. Seeking for the things I am passionate about is one my primary goals.
In doing this, I pray to find real freedom from the pain and suffering. If I really find that day, then that will be my emancipation… my true independence.
Love: Seven
Love: Seven: "Seven. This is suppose to be one of the most significant numbers in the Bible. Remember God tells us to forgive 7 times 77 times and so on t..."
Seven
Seven. This is suppose to be one of the most significant numbers in the Bible. Remember God tells us to forgive 7 times 77 times and so on times. There is so much significance related to this number about God, which some people also consider as their lucky number.
But if it is such a number, why do I feel empty today. This is suppose to be the 7th day of reviewing my life. My mind, heart and soul feels empty. I pray almost every morning. As I ask for forgiveness, peace of mind and strength for myself, I still feel empty. I am not expecting for any extraordinary miracle to change my day. I am just blank as a page. How depressing?
I am still thinking of reasons why my day is like these. I guess I will just pray some more.
God thank you for this day even if i feel empty!
Sorry God also! Because I still love her. I don't know why. It just is.
But if it is such a number, why do I feel empty today. This is suppose to be the 7th day of reviewing my life. My mind, heart and soul feels empty. I pray almost every morning. As I ask for forgiveness, peace of mind and strength for myself, I still feel empty. I am not expecting for any extraordinary miracle to change my day. I am just blank as a page. How depressing?
I am still thinking of reasons why my day is like these. I guess I will just pray some more.
God thank you for this day even if i feel empty!
Sorry God also! Because I still love her. I don't know why. It just is.
Love: Why Love and Life is not fair?
Love: Why Love and Life is not fair?: "The sixth day of looking back and reviewing my life's twist and turns. For a couple of days now, I have been contemplating on my life. I th..."
Why Love and Life is not fair?
The sixth day of looking back and reviewing my life's twist and turns.
For a couple of days now, I have been contemplating on my life. I think I have gone as far as 10 years back to this one very important life-changing event in my life.
Back when I was in high school, I have always been known to be very outgoing, care-free and, at times, rowdy. I was also considered a bully back then, but I didn't really treat myself as one. I was just hot-headed and very temperamental. Adventurous was what you would consider me to be have we met back in those days. This kind of attitude towards life was how I went about my high school life, which persisted through college. It was fun. I viewed my old self as a cool person.
Fraternities (your so-called secret brotherhood) and vices were two of the things I regret to have engaged back in those days. As cool as I thought I was, these two things nearly ruined my life. Why so? The fraternity almost had me imprisoned and killed. The brotherhood made a lot of enemies for me that I didn't even know personally. Drugs (specifically marijuana), alcohol and cigarettes were just a few of the indulgences I abused back then. Had I not stopped using marijuana, I would probably be a junkie by now. Unfortunately, I considered all these as part of having a good time. My curiosity simply led me to all of these life-distorting entities.
For more than a month, when all our female school mates were turning 18, we would simply swig and gorge all the alcohol and junk food we can consume. We did this almost every day until we drop. It wasn't nice to wake up in somebody else home... or wake in the morning not remembering how you got home... or who changed your clothes before you went to bed. Moreover, some of us went a little further to explore. Being young also entailed the rage of hormones inside us. We learned to test our sexuality. Whew! But even if these things happened to us, we all laughed at it and felt awesome. We were young.
The curiosity peaked when my best friend and I had to try marijuana. We were with different crowds when we tried it, since we both did not want to be a bad influence to each other. But nonetheless, we became bad influences to ourselves. The unfortunate thing about this is that we mixed with the wrong people and crowd. Something our parents never even imagined nor prayed for us.
One thing we failed to recognize among ourselves during those days was that we all had our problems, which we immaturely faced. Some call the things we do as escape-goating as termed in psychology. We were deviants from the norm, but we felt cool. I had my issues that I thought I could be address by forgetting, which was aided by the alcohol and drugs. But it didn’t really help me. My ways and vices even distorted my view of love and relationships back then. And yet I wondered why most my relationships only lasted for months. It figures.
At the peak of substance abuse and wanton disregard for the true meaning of life and love, we were simply lost. We were selfish. I was more than selfish- I was trapped in me.
May 15, 2001 was the faithful day when all my foolishness and stupidity culminated. It was the feast day St. Isidore Labrador. He was the patron saint of our town. In provinces in the Philippines, feast days were a big deal. Being a nation compromised mostly of Catholics, it became a grandiose annual event. There will be singing contests, beauty pageants, mardi gras’, and the like.
On that day, there were simply a lot of people in the main thoroughfare of our town. It was a bit irritating, since I was still drunk. I came from a gimmick with my friends the night before the feast day of our town. I was so wasted that when I came home at about 7 o’clock in the morning- I did not even realize it was our patron saint's feast day. I abhorred the fact that my mom had to wake me up to buy something for her in the wet market when both my brothers were already awake. Unfortunate me, my second brother had his former girlfriend visit us at home that day. And my other brother was also busying himself with something. So like any trying-to-be good son would do, I fulfilled my mom’s errand. I bought the pack of Tang juice concentrate she asked for.
Mind you I went to the wet market straight from bed. At that time, I had that after waking look effect on me. I think I might have scared of a couple of people with my hairdo, which had no direction.
Coming back from the wet market was one of the most momentous days of my life. I came in the front door of our house, which is not usually open. Most of the time, we would take the back door when we come home. But that day was different; I went through the front door since I knew everyone was home. Plus, it was open.
I saw a stranger sitting by our couch. It was someone I did not know. My parents let the man in, since they thought he was a friend of mine. I politely greeted him, since I thought that he was my parent’s visitor. Little did I know that it was the start of my ordeal, a life-changing one.
The man gently stood up and asked me if he can talk to me. Being bewildered, I told that he can. He asked me if I can accompany him outside, so I followed. Right after we went out the gate, it all became a blur. There were men with guns who suddenly like leeches accompanied me. They were like body guards, but I never felt like a celebrity when they walked with me.
Suddenly, the man I first spoke with me radioed somebody using their walkie-talkie. At that point, my memory came flooding in. I recall my mom talking to me earlier that day. She told me that my best friend-Ryan called about a murder that happened in the vicinity of the university where I studied. One of the suspects name was Mark, unfortunately my name was spelled almost the same except mine ended with a “T”. It didn’t really matter.
If you have seen my face in any ABS-CBN news report in 2001 while a different name was being flashed, then you probably recognize me by now. I was nabbed by the National Bureau of Investigation (which is like the Federal Bureau of Investigation counter-part here in the Philippines) that day for suspicion of murder. Whoever was killed certainly had connections? To have the NBI pick me up was indeed a shock. They even hacked my dad with an M-16 Baby Armalite and a MP5 rifle when they tried to talk their way through the situation with the authorities. My dad tried to take me back, since the authorities had no arrest warrant. The only warrant they showed him was their badge. Poor me, I went with them without knowing what was going on. My senses only awakened when they hurt my dad. I sensed more than danger that day. I felt it was going to be my death.
I knew I was care-free, substance abusing, testosterone pumped and horny adolescent. I also acknowledge the fact that I was considered to be a bully. I was selfish and problematic. But never had I foreseen any of this to happen to me. I have had fights as a kid. One or two. I admit. But I had no records of any kind with the police, and then suddenly this came. Wow! It was like skipping all the other bad things that a person can do before becoming a killer.
They brought me to a secured place and beat me to a pulp. I have gone through several initiation rites, because of my fraternity and since I was an aspiring cadet of the Philippine Military Academy earlier in my life. But I have never experienced this kind of beating. It was as if I was being lynched. I had no way to protect myself, since my hands were bound with a plastic bracelet that served as my cuffs. I was literally a human punching bag. The NBI’s agents did it for a good 3 to 4 hours that continued later that day.
Through this trial, I don’t know why I did not lose consciousness. I can’t stand properly anymore. My body was already bruised. I was beaten. But I was still awake. Even nature’s call became a pain. They had to accompany me in fear that I might run. Who can run in such a condition? So I thought. They even brought me to the crime scene trying to make me confess to something I did not do. Now I realize why I did not lose consciousness and hope, I was praying the Rosary in my mind. I have the whole prayer memorized by virtue of my Dad’s discipline. It was my invincible armor. As they were torturing me, which was accompanied by the good and bad cop routine, I only thought of my life that was flashing right before my eyes. I really did believe I was going to die. I even expected that I will be electrocuted. While they were trying to make me confess, they were feeding me with bits and pieces of information about the crime. Only now do I realize, they were doing something unlawful. This ordeal went on and off for 13 hours, until I was released to the custody of my parents at around midnight at the NBI headquarters in Taft Avenue in Manila.
It was a crazy day. It was the first time I saw my Dad shed tears. My heart was crushed when I saw my Mom walk towards me- to hug me. I never felt the pain through the ordeal as much as when I saw my Mom cry. When I was released, I can still recall my Mom, Dad, my then girlfriend-My, Uncle Jun, Aunt Daisy and Aunt Myrna silently hugging me one after the other. They even fed me two burgers from Burger King. Those were the best burgers I ever chomped on my entire life. That day was also the first time I went through being processed like a criminal. What was worse is... They took my mug shots. I was being treated more than just a suspect. It was as if I did the senseless act of taking somebody else’s life. In my mind, the agents became like Judge Dredd. They were both judge and executioner, so much for our justice system.
The real perpetrators of the crime were fraternity brothers of mine. There were 3 of them. One of them had almost the same name as I, who was being protected by one of his uncles serving as a general in the Philippine National Police. The other was the nephew of an influential congressman of one of the districts of Manila. The other suspect was a former friend of mine, schoolmate and nephew of our former town mayor. They were all born from influential and rich families. But why did the authorities have to nab me? I am just a poor boy from the south. I asked God fervently. I guess I had it coming.
I can still remember to this date, when one of the agents instructed my Dad as I was about to be released that I can’t go out of the country.
The events of that day changed my life. It made me take life more seriously. It convinced me to count my blessings more. The ordeal allowed me to graduate with a bachelor’s degree from one of the most reputable universities in the Philippines. Lastly, it gave way to a better relationship with my parents and God. To date, I have never gone out of the country. I have criminal no record. Thanks to one of the perpetrators, who had a similar name as mine and who confessed and turned state witness. But most of all, thanks be to God!
With all these facts brought to light, do you think life is fair? If I were God and if He were to consider all the foolish and sinful things I did, do you think I deserve being saved? I am no one to precede what God has in store for each and every one of us. I am simply trying to point out that nothing is fair if you view life based only in your perspective. Because this life based on human standards is not fair. Count your blessings more. Maybe you will realize there is a God who knows what is fair?
You decide.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)