Indepedence

Independence is the word I have been contemplating on for the past two days. For those who have been viewing my blog, you must be thinking that I have grown tired of expressing myself. I haven’t grown tired of writing my emotions and thoughts just yet. I intend to keep this as long as I can. Let it serve like a piggy bank where I keep most of the things and thoughts that I treasure most. I did not write for two days, because of something my brother said. It made me rest.

June 12 has passed. For most Filipinos, this day means our independence from our countries colonizers. The Spaniards. The Americans. The Japanese. Who else? I guess that is beside the point.

Independence. What does it really mean? I know I feel empty these past few days, but I can’t seem to comprehend its meaning. I know its lexical definition. We have studied also how our country came to existence with the marking of this day. But for me, it definitely meant something else. I guess I am pertaining to my own emancipation from this weary feeling looming over me like a dark cloud.

This is now the 10^th day of searching from within myself about the meaning of things, which are important to me and not. I am a bit tired, but excited in a certain degree of sense. It sounds like an irony. It’s a yin-yang emotion that I feel inside of me. I can’t really explain it. I hope I really find the day when I can tell myself that everything is behind me. I yearn for that day when I can really smile and laugh again. I miss both of it.

Two days ago, I was in the middle of doing something for my brother. It was something really important to him. When all of a sudden, he blurts out in a questioning manner- “Why are you so absent minded”. He even asked me, “Why don’t you try to focus?” It was enlightening and bewildering at the same time. I knew he understands my predicament, but I felt he was being insensitive of my situation. I am not saying that he is, because he is God’s blessing to me. He has heard me out countless of times through this ordeal, but I guess he has reached his limit. That was when I realized, there is something more to what I am going through than just pain and suffering.

Dragging down the people who are supporting me is what I am really doing. I don’t mean for this to happen, but it is. See when we dwell in our pain and suffering, we selfishly see only our self which is in agony. We can’t see those who care for us. But if we dream to be stronger, we should surpass this hurdle to be able to understand that we are not alone. The world does not stop from turning if you fail or fall. You have to stand up and fight back. I am not saying you hurt the people who hurt you. But show them that you are strong, because God is with you. I guess when I realized this; I needed to take a break from writing. I felt that all I was writing about are selfish thoughts. I didn’t want my readers to say, “This man is very foolish and selfish.” Now, I really have to stand up.

I am writing what I feel now to alleviate the hurt that is left. Please forgive me for all the previous post that may have been selfish. I know I still love her, but like what one of my friends told me recently- I should be casting my sorrows, burdens and fears upon the Lord. I am trying hard to do this now. I am finding new meaning in things. Seeking for the things I am passionate about is one my primary goals.

In doing this, I pray to find real freedom from the pain and suffering. If I really find that day, then that will be my emancipation… my true independence.