22 days. I am pass the half way mark. I don’t know if I am winning this battle against myself or if am losing. I am just lost in this sea of sorrows, but I am glad to re-evaluate my life. I love her still! I don’t know why.
I have been paying much attention to twitter lately, but yesterday I just realized that the best friend of my ex-girlfriend tweeted me on June 9 of this year. Here is what she said, I quote without a changing her grammar and spelling, “hey dude u don't know me but hell yeah I know you're a fcken douchebag!” It is a very inquisitive and spiteful way to open a conversation with someone you don’t know, right?!
When I read this message, I really did not how to react. The hurt I have felt for the past weeks has reduced me to being numb and impervious to such kind of comments. How can I not be numb? See during our (meaning my ex-girlfriend and I) last exchange of text message, she conveyed her birthday wish quite clearly- my death. I guess this is the price of exposing the truth. Remember Hate is easy.
I myself am not so blessed with patience and tolerance for the lies she thrown my way. I was not so gentle in dealing with truth. In my small way getting even was what I aimed for, which I got and regret at the same time. Why? Because by getting back, which was not close to getting even, I lost her forever. Anger led me to lose sight of love. I hurt the only thing I valued most by exposing her lies. To whom? And How? I spoke to her supposedly ex-fiancé about everything she had done. How she used him and me? See their relationship did not end when I entered her life. Just when I thought that I was competing with her ex-boyfriend, whom she loved for 6 years and was in the USA, she did not reveal that I was also competing with her fiancé that lives in Australia. Now, I realize how many spare tires she has for her relationship. Fortunately, I was one of those spare tires. Easily left. Conveniently discarded.
Now looking back, I wish I just held my piece at that time and not let anger take a hold of me. In God’s time, all truths behind every lie will be revealed. I just lacked the patience to wait, which made me lose her all the more. Moreover, the things we do and say under such circumstances may uplift or demean our sense of morals and our character. It is also reflective of our breeding and education. Therefore, with how I reacted to my ex-girlfriend’s lies, I lowered my own values and shamed myself for losing control. It was as if I did not have any breeding and education, even if we say that we all do foolish things out of love.
Reflecting now on what my ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s message, I looked up the meaning of douchebag over the internet. I found two meanings of which through Urban Dictionary that were interesting. 1. Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached f@$%*r or motherf@$%*r. 2. An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears. It was quite a handful of unpleasant words to depict the meaning of this word. To be exact.
Now, I write not to refute my ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s claim of what kind of person I am. I feel she is right, because I demeaned my own upbringing in the process. Plus, I already made that mistake once of trying to bite back. I am not about to engage her best friend in a senseless debate. But I was surprised, with how I and her best friend reacted to our tweets. It wasn’t as feisty as I had expected it to be, but it was very frank and cold. Our conversation left me only three important things, which are stated below:
1. We were all victims by our lies and selfishness. Whatever we do in life has a way of catching up with us.
3. If you really love someone, no matter the hurt they deal you; you shouldn’t even consider getting even or taking vengeance.
The calm demeanor I had during that conversation was a gift. I guess I am gradually regaining my patience. On the other hand, her best friend was able to release her disappointment and a little of the disgust she feels towards me. As I can best describe it. But evaluating both parties’ actions, I believe we are great examples of people who lower their morals and standards due to emotions. Why? Assume that I really am douchebag and she a fine and educated woman, why then would she take time to send a fowl message to a douchebag knowing that he is one. Or call someone a moron, knowing that he is one. Wouldn’t that kind of action leave you in the gray? On my behalf, why did I even react to her message knowing that conversation and our arguments will be coming from opposing poles. This reaction somehow merits me the title of douche bag, I suppose. How would you consider our actions then?
YOU DECIDE.
For reference to the meanings of the word douchebag I used in this article, click on this link:
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