Where do I now stand?

30 days. The search within is almost over. I’m tired. I’m doing better now, but the thoughts of her still lingers. She serves like a drug- my personal high.

I have kept silent for a couple of days. I have neither written nor spent enough thought to post anything on this blog. The depression seems to permeate some more into my heart. I had to keep still. I knew this time that brooding over the lost of her would bring nothing good to me.

Now I am tired asking who was at fault in our relationship. Ever since I have surrendered everything about our relationship to God, I have tried to forgive and forget her. But I don’t know why she is still here in my world. I am done over analyzing how we could have saved what we had... or how our love could have still persisted. I have stopped questioning who were the people I shared her with. Who were the other spare tires? I have given-up on wanting her to reveal all the lies she threw my way. I have even resigned from wanting to see her even from a far just for one last time. I refrained from being perplexed with how she managed to say I love you to me, and then say I love you to another lover. I simply stopped convincing myself that her feelings for me were true. Even if I have asked God for the will to turn away from my feelings for her, the memories of her become harder to bear no matter how much I have tried to forget her. Now that my self-evaluation is almost over, I can’t understand why she remains here in my heart. Thus, I ask, “Will I ever come to forget her? Or will she be in my heart until I die?”

Maybe?! Only God knows what will happen next.

I believe love will continue to be an illusion having shared her with someone else from the start. For life, I will keep this burden of knowing that only one has stood well enough to fight for what we had until the very end.  Passion seemed to have not existed at all since her heart and mind longed for someone else, even while we were making love.

So I pray that her memory fades inside me like an ancient language carved in stone, forgotten by time and which only I can understand. She was just a dream that a foolish man like me has cherished. Like a sculpture carved by a masters skilful hand, her name will remain etched in the cold, barren, empty and broken walls of my suffering soul. Her heart now belongs to another man.

Where do I now stand? Lost can’t even properly describe how I feel. I guess love simply took the best of me. But I never regret giving it my all. For I have decided from the start to love her with all I have.