"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is an option. Happiness is a choice." This was what one of my acquaintances told me yesterday. She gave me her two cents in this matter I am dealing with. I know she was right. We even chatted in Facebook about this, but I think my stubbornness turned her off. She even exclaimed, as a reaction to one of my earlier post, "a lover can be replaced, but your friends and family are always there for you." She said this in our local dialect, which was heart warming and an eye opener. Indeed, I may be wrong to say that my family and friends doesn't understand me. Of-course, it is only logical that any person will get irritated by another persons bickering even if he/she loved him/her. I guess this is reason why my family and friends are not listening anymore. That is why I have silently and solemnly turned to God.
This is now the fourth day of my search in. It is not an easy task. I realize how easy I get tempted to react harshly in any situations. I now wonder if the people around are having a hard time dealing with me. I need to pick up my act. I know I can be true to myself without hurting others' feelings. Lustful thoughts do also come by may head to tempt me. I also have to overcome my smoking habit. All this needs to be left behind as my extra baggage.
I pray now that Apple is doing great. I asked God and will continue to ask Him for the past few days and for the days to come to grant her happiness and peace of mind. Let it be my gift to her made through God's grace. I have been honest to myself ever since I started this blog. So I exclaim the fact that I still love her, but I know God acknowledges that fact that I have surrendered everything to Him. The foolish me, at times, still wait for text and email messages coming from her. My anger a few weeks ago may have lead me to hurt her emotionally, but I have asked God constantly for forgiveness and peace within myself. Also, I simply ask for her safety. Recently, I have also added in my prayers that if my last duty towards her is to safely lead her to her true love- then I gladly accept the task. Because if in helping her find true love and spend a lifetime of happiness with it, I can atone for my sins then I gladly bare this cross.
Just like what my friend said, "Pain is inevitable." Like Jesus, even if He knew He was to suffer he trudged on to offer his life. I am not Jesus nor am I pretending to be. I not worthy to even blow the dust of his feet. But I will not run-away from the pain. He made me stronger to endure, so that I may change myself for the better.
"Suffering is an option." We chose the way we deal with our emotions. There are no hard and fast rules to loving. Love is not a fair game, because life itself is not. Who would dare tell me that Jesus' death is fair? We all owe him our lives. I failed to mention in my earlier posts that any decision becomes a wrong one if you can't live by it and if it hurts others. My vow is my decision. the way I see it I am neither hurting my ex-girlfriend nor myself. I move on in my own way. I just can't turn my back on the good lessons I gained and her love which she imparted with me. Behind all the lies, she was also a good person to me. Everyone deserves several second chances. Remember the quality of mercy you give is the quality of mercy you take.
I know I am judged for my thoughts, but that is the beauty of it. By disagreeing with my thoughts and reacting to it by sending me messages, I am avail to see a different view of the situation. Anyone afraid of opposition and conflict should best restrain their opinions and beliefs. Although it is important to know that one cannot simply judge another persons decision and actions through one's own experience, because both of you are different individuals.
But going along with my acquaintances thought process, I appreciate the part of the quote that she shared which says, "Happiness is a choice." Amen to that. I agree with her on this fact. My happiness lies in knowing that my ex-girlfriend has finally found her true love, because what I shared her for me was true. I don't brood anymore on the fact that I lost her. I don't want vengeance or anything drastic to happen to her. I just pray for her happiness, safety and peace of mind. Why do I do this? Because through her eyes, I saw joy that became my heaven. I saw God in her even with all her flaws.
So if my choice is wrong, please ask yourself what would you do if you were in my shoes. And before you even make that choice, ask your self this - "What would Jesus do if He were in this situation?" Do you think He would turn His back... His answer is my choice. Thus, I won't avoid the pain. I will reflect on God's suffering and pray for my ex-girlfriend. For in the end, my happiness is my choice. I still love her... Thank you God for everything!
I hope Mark thinks the same way as you do because he had been hurting me the past weeks when in fact, I never left. I was always here but no matter how hard I try to reach out, give him assurance that even if he doesn't need me, I'm just here--he had been pushing me away, hurting me... So now, I've decided to just leave. Maybe, just maybe, women can express their pain in a calm and vocal manner that men can't. Tendency is, anybody that gets in the way experiences their anger and pain, unintentionally. It's part of the process that you get mad, feel pain, have regrets, wait for things to turn around but you gotta be strong. It's not always a rainy day. The best thing you can do is write what you feel, find a hobby, something that you haven't tried before... Travel alone and search for yourself. It might sound crazy but it does help. I did it and now, I feel so much better. I am still in the process of redeeming myself and accepting the fact that I should go on without him but nevertheless, I will succeed no matter how long it will take. Just hang on. You're not alone.
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