We maybe God's messenger to others

Dear Love,

Twinkle was right when she pointed that I am still in love with the thought of the girl I first knew. I thank her for saying something like that. It opened my eyes more to the reality of what I have today. I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but she is different now. So am I.

The last conversation I had with Twinkle was a sort of wake up call. I don’t know why she was the one, who was able to knock some sense into my head. Most my friends and family are saying the same thing, but it was her who was able to cut the message across to me. Perhaps, it is because of the fact she is also hurting with her own love situation. God definitely finds imperfect vessels to make messengers of. She just became a God sent messenger for me.

What was weird with what Twinkled told me was that she also got the message from a friend of hers, who was in a sort of the same situation like ours. I can still remember Twinkle sharing these words to me, “You love her. And you exert all the effort to love her even if you have parted ways. But who will love you then? If she is not the same person that you used to know. Why would you chase her if she doesn’t want to be chased? And who will chase after you?” I was dumb-founded by the words twinkle shared with me. For a moment, I saw clarity and hope in what the future brings.

I just have to do the best of what today brings. I can’t let the past drag me down. The past may have been a big failure for both of us, but the future may bestow wonderful surprises if we do our best today. From now on, I will chase my dreams. I hope someday love finds my way again.

Sincerely,

Me

Where do I now stand?

30 days. The search within is almost over. I’m tired. I’m doing better now, but the thoughts of her still lingers. She serves like a drug- my personal high.

I have kept silent for a couple of days. I have neither written nor spent enough thought to post anything on this blog. The depression seems to permeate some more into my heart. I had to keep still. I knew this time that brooding over the lost of her would bring nothing good to me.

Now I am tired asking who was at fault in our relationship. Ever since I have surrendered everything about our relationship to God, I have tried to forgive and forget her. But I don’t know why she is still here in my world. I am done over analyzing how we could have saved what we had... or how our love could have still persisted. I have stopped questioning who were the people I shared her with. Who were the other spare tires? I have given-up on wanting her to reveal all the lies she threw my way. I have even resigned from wanting to see her even from a far just for one last time. I refrained from being perplexed with how she managed to say I love you to me, and then say I love you to another lover. I simply stopped convincing myself that her feelings for me were true. Even if I have asked God for the will to turn away from my feelings for her, the memories of her become harder to bear no matter how much I have tried to forget her. Now that my self-evaluation is almost over, I can’t understand why she remains here in my heart. Thus, I ask, “Will I ever come to forget her? Or will she be in my heart until I die?”

Maybe?! Only God knows what will happen next.

I believe love will continue to be an illusion having shared her with someone else from the start. For life, I will keep this burden of knowing that only one has stood well enough to fight for what we had until the very end.  Passion seemed to have not existed at all since her heart and mind longed for someone else, even while we were making love.

So I pray that her memory fades inside me like an ancient language carved in stone, forgotten by time and which only I can understand. She was just a dream that a foolish man like me has cherished. Like a sculpture carved by a masters skilful hand, her name will remain etched in the cold, barren, empty and broken walls of my suffering soul. Her heart now belongs to another man.

Where do I now stand? Lost can’t even properly describe how I feel. I guess love simply took the best of me. But I never regret giving it my all. For I have decided from the start to love her with all I have.

When it rains it pours

The heavens poured much of its tears yesterday hear in our place. The rain reminded me of you. When most of the people around me hated it, I enjoyed every bit of it. Although I was afraid to get sick when I got soaked, the rain that touched my face was freedom. It was you. I pray that you are now happy and free.

No matter how mad you are with me right now. I know part of your heart seeks peace for me as I always do for you. No matter how much pain I have already suffered, I still cherish every memory of you. The rain that fills the puddles of mud in our yard represents the emotions I feel for you nowadays. It comes and goes. I have let gone of you I know, but never the thought of loving you. It will be my most prized possession. It will my beacon of hope. A lighthouse that may lead me back to you or the next girl I will love for a lifetime. 

I failed you in a lot of ways. Forgive for the lies and the shortcomings. Most of all, I failed to take care of you. I probably choked you with my obsession. For that, I am very sorry.

When the world is afraid to show their true colors, I bare my heart in search and in wait of love. I have started praying weeks ago, but I am taking it seriously now. I believe one of the reasons we parted ways is due to the fact that I failed to allow God to come in between us.

I can still remember when we broke up, which was quite informal. You asked me, after you said that you don't love me anymore, "Why I would not let go and let you be happy somebody else?" It was one of the most difficult questions I have ever encountered. At that instant, I wanted to tell you that I can love you more. But now I realize that my answer reflected my obsession and selfishness. If you ask me this now, I will tell you that I have learned to let go. 

I have let gone of the one thing I cherish most, especially at this time of trial for me. I now believe that in order to truly learn to love- one must understand and learn the pain of sorrow. Never let go of the balance. Jesus was the greatest example of this kind of love. He loved even his enemies in pain. A love that even my parents, brothers, family and friends do not understand. Maybe even I don't understand it? I say this because all of them tell to forget her, but I won't. I will hold on to the thought of you until I die. I don't want to waste my life waiting, but I keep her in my heart because what I felt was real. She is now my guide.

I hope the rain pours again today, because with comes the pain. I am not brooding on the lost of you anymore. I just want to be with you even if it is within the pain that the rain brings. I hope the wind whispers my name for your heart to hear.

This is now the second day of my search for enlightenment. The continuation of the vow I took yesterday. I still love you!